Mindfulness Day 36

• I appreciate that I convinced my ass to just get up and run this morning. It was good!
• I can improve this by doing my best to get up most mornings!
• I appreciate that I found a good dinner solution for myself that pleased me
• I can improve this by making sure that I do in fact spread out these dinners =)
• I appreciate that I decided to just drop a subject instead of pursuing the exact truth of the argument
• I can improve this by letting more dumb arguments go!

Mindfulness Day 35

• I appreciate that I reached out kindly this morning
• I can improve this by choosing to reach out kindly to others and more often
• I appreciate that I have left things alone since this morning
• I can improve this by continuing to let things sit
• I appreciate that I am possibly finding the space where I recognize that some people are not as good as they seem
• I can improve this by continuing this internal investigation, and respecting myself in the process

Today's Album: As Plantas Que Curam by Boogarins

Mindfulness Day 34

• I appreciate that I found a way to work in headache relief in a nap
• I can improve this by maybe not pushing myself so long as to leave it active for hours =)
• I appreciate that I was managing multiple issues, was ready to handle a presentation, and was generally up for it all despite the headache today
• I can improve this by keeping myself on my toes regularly!
• I appreciate that I am considering, at least, just scheduling the dang time and letting her move it around
• I can improve this by going ahead and doing it ;)



Today's Album: Summer Is Gone by Bill Baird

Mindfulness Day 33

• I appreciate that I went ahead and finished the first volume of Judge Dredd. Yay progress! =)
• I can improve this by trying not to spread my fun so thin!
• I appreciate that I was able to contend happily with the shifting delivery schedules throughout the week!
• I can improve this by practicing accepting this silliness, even during normal times!
• I appreciate that I just said "forget all that" to the "But it was too late..." comments
• I can improve this by figuring out how to push those frustrations off entirely

Today's Album: Travels with Myself and Another by Future of the Left

Mindfulness Day 32

• I appreciate that I let myself go the whole dang day without writing this, and didn't worry too much about it.
• I can improve on this by probably managing my time a little better =)
• I appreciate that I went ahead with my next idea for a "daily project", and should have more to post for a good while now
• I can improve on this by thinking of more things I might like to do this with!
• I appreciate that I was pretty calm and rational throughout the conversation I had last night, despite the difficulty of it all
• I can improve on this by...letting it all go, honestly, and just accepting that she's not good with people at a distance and won't be.

Today's Album: Motionless by Chokebore

Mindfulness Day 31

Christ.

That was the hardest, most painful pair of sessions there was.

Both were about feeling connected to everything else--the thing I simply don't feel at all anyway

Tried to practice it again in the evening, I was a little too tired and took a nap afterward instead. Oops!

• I appreciate that I was willing to take the nap and even disrupt the last bit of my session to do it. 'Twas quite kind to myself =)
• I can improve on this by trying to keep my sleep schedule more regular
• I appreciate that I decided to finish off Fire and Stone completely--and let myself have my negative response openly =)
• I can improve on this by keeping up with my intentions and desire to finish things!
• I appreciate that I slept in the next morning to make sure I got enough rest
• I can improve on this by working on my sleep schedule as always =)

Today's Album: Put on Fresh Paint by Husking Bee

Mindfulness Day 30

• I appreciate that I was able to process and respond to a frustrating concept in what felt like a calm, clear, constructive way
• I can improve this by verifying it is constructive and adjusting as necessary
• I appreciate that I was able to get two whole movies in, and really enjoyed the hell out of the second one
• I can improve this by trying to remember how much I value the time I spend on movies =)
• I appreciate that I was comfortable with a conversation that was very debate-y, and kept it reasonable
• I can improve this by participating in the healthier debates that crop up!

Today's Album: Switch by Golden Earring

Mindfulness Day 29

On and on into the outer realms we go. (I have no useful general thoughts =)

• I appreciate that I recognized my frustration talking to my dad, even if I didn't know what to do with it at the time.
• I can improve on this by taking the moment to figure out what to do with it =)
• I appreciate that I was at peace with things by the end of the night, in terms of my plans and implemented them nicely!
• I can improve on this by trying to find the right plans and stick with them, maintaining the flexibility I enjoy in the right amount alongside it
• I appreciate that I was able to think about and sit with the mood that came on me late, the sort of melancholic one.
• I can improve on this by continuing to recognize those moods and find the space where I'm neither rejecting nor capitulating to them

Today's Album: Tarantella by Railhed

Mindfulness Day 28

I've got less to say (today) I think, so I'll scale back to the defined stuff:

• I appreciate that I found the time and space to be social!
• I can improve on this by recognizing the value of those times and taking them up!
• I appreciate that I made a more conscious decision to put this off last night, rather than feeling pushed up against things and giving up/in.
• I can improve on this one by keeping myself in that same self-grace
• I appreciate that I was patient and open to some of the things I heard in a phone call yesterday that I might otherwise dismiss as silly
• I can improve on this by taking the moment to pause when those thoughts occur even more often

Today's Album: Kali Yuga Bizarre by Aborym

Mindfulness Day 27

Maybe I should make this a "next morning" task...

Yesterday was about trying to use and expand space and spatial awareness as a means of understanding things. Seemed all right overall.

• I appreciate that I was having a difficult time with Agætis Byrjun (oddly enough!) but stuck with it for all four sides.
• I can improve on this by keeping myself calm and in-the-moment for even the difficult times
• I appreciate that I was able to find the space to start on Fire and Stone, which I'd been really wanting to do! =)
• I can improve on this by respecting the boundaries and goals I set for myself--and modifying them as the situation demands.
• I appreciate that I got a head start on Sentinels of Freedom, even with its oddities and vagaries, so that I can really give it a go.
• I can improve on this by evaluating such things, doing my best to avoid "sunk cost" investments, but also accepting them if they work out okay!

Today's album: Agætis Byrjun by Sigur Rós

Mindfulness Day 26

Today was on "Slow motion": trying to fully relax and take things at the speed they actually move at, rather than the hurried rush of "efficiency" and "productivity" and so on. I sometimes suspect I may already be a little too good at that one... 0=)

The "daily calm" was on kindness and extending it, which I perhaps took more directly to heart given the context overall

I asked her about joint meditation, and so we did, and she thanked me for trying it with her afterward--sounded a bit like the tone of "too bad it didn't work", but methinks a large lesson here is to simply take it as it is, or maybe it's even to say, "Yep. That's what happened." and move on to make a decision (if one is warranted, anyway!) based on that.

• I appreciate that I've been handling the regular comments and curiosity about my collection with aplomb and graciousness. Fun inquiries and thoughts abound =)
• I can improve on this by working on that first "thank you" that I so often dodge...
• I appreciate that I came up with the idea for the joint meditation, and that I chose to share it. It wasn't necessarily the immediate instinct, but the thoughts of recent lessons brought it forward.
• I can improve on this...by working on the hard questions about what to do with urges related to her and what my realizations about the past mean. Over time!
• I appreciate that I've found myself some form of system for this Indicator sale--not an ideal system, but a system nonetheless!
• I can improve on this by letting more sales go... =)

Today's Album: Good for Your Soul by Oingo Boingo

Mindfulness Day 25

Dang, I am not good at remembering this one =)

(Yesterday) was about acceptance: welcoming new sensations to the current moment of experience without judgment, but not as a means of tolerance, so much as understanding the reality of things. This felt like a pretty solid technique to add: openly welcoming those difficult things to confront them head on feels like a nice way to resolve my struggles with how to let them "just be" or what have you.

• I appreciate that I was able to line up my schedule properly to get the week's movie watched! A small feat to some I suppose, but I felt pretty good about getting the timing all correct for it =)
• I can improve on this by continuing to solidify my scheduling methodology to align with my own preferences for how to deal with time
• I appreciate that I'm feeling excited about starting Fire and Stone and Life and Death quite a bit, even if I continue to put it off to resolve other things. Even that putting off has its own nice elements, so good all around =)
• I can improve on this by recognizing the things I find fun and exciting and letting myself feel those things!
• I appreciate that I was willing to reach out past my frustrations and try to address some seeming hurt or apology on her end for something I was unconcerned by, to recognize how she might've seen it nonetheless.
• I can improve on this...by accepting the total silence some may offer in return! It's difficult, but if I don't expect it, maybe I can get better at just letting it be.

Today's Album: Firebird by Tomita

Mindfulness Day 24

Today it was "the waxy build-up": the idea of the small irritations that build up over time, and trying to disrupt those from being cumulative without losing the legitimacy of irritation. This was definitely a good one for me. It led me to reconsider some of my Facebook unfollowing--good practice for these things, yeah? Probably =)

• I appreciate that I came to some negative conclusions today and didn't just become ultra negative about it. Realizing something like poor treatment and not sinking into despair, seeking revenge, or otherwise--that's an achievement, I think!
• I can improve on this by continuing to understand these things and keep myself balanced in doing so.
• I appreciate that I started conversations explaining my feelings and realizations with three people and didn't turn any straight to whinging or the like--at least as far as I'm concerned =)
• I can improve on this by making sure I manage my socialization enough to keep it alive!
• I appreciate that I managed my own expectations very well for my plans for the evening. I'm still not sure what exactly I'll follow this up with, but we'll see =)
• I can improve on this by continuing to stay calm when contemplating plans to keep them reasonable and myself pleased with their range of options.

Today's Album: Necromance by Sunshine

Mindfulness Day 23

Today was about, well, acceptance I think is actually most accurate. Letting everything "just be", and all that good stuff. It felt pretty solid, but the daily calm was surprisingly the good one: the concept of mudita. Apparently one of four heavily cultivated meditative/life states (I'm gonna broadly paraphrase: I'm the only one reading this, and later me can always look this up!), it's the idea of extending joy to others, even and especially when one is not necessarily in a personally joyful state. It was a good thought and exercise to work at this--it's not a foreign concept or anything, but choosing to do it actively was new in the way that much of this has been. Cultivating these senses actively instead of reactively.

• I appreciate that I've spent the day generally alone, and been okay with it. Seems I've found a measure of peace with it all. And an acceptance that it may be impermanent =)
• I can improve on this one by remembering to accept as much as I can, good and bad. 
• I appreciate that I went forward with my sense of humour, taking a selfie with my "significant other" (my horror blu-rays, natch!) and that it spread a decent bit of joy as people found it =)
• I can improve on this by remembering that my sense of humour may misfire, but I know it's not malicious, so it's okay even if it does!
• I appreciate that I found a lot of joy in today's album. Things remembered, and being able to feel the interesting tones of Patterson's songs felt really good =)
• I can improve on this by always looking for those joys--even in the darker things (of which this album has plenty!)

Today's Album: Murdering Oscar (and Other Love Songs) by Patterson Hood

Mindfulness Day 22

The socializing days are pretty bad for keeping up with this it seems! Probably doesn't help that they end with West Coast folks two hours off from me...

[Yesterday's] lesson was about the "roller coaster" of life, and sitting through any and all of it. It was a good session as a practice, and let me work a little more on using sound as a homebase. Which may well be a desire more than a practicality... =)

• I appreciate that I didn't hold it against myself that I slept into the discussion yesterday--I really needed that rest, and would've been much worse off forcing myself up earlier. Would've been nice to be up in time, but I am actually glad I didn't have the anxiety of internal alarm clocks =)
• I can improve on this by trying to get the rest in where I can, and hopefully in a more organized/regular fashion!
• I appreciate that I found some relaxation rather than dread in realizing that very possibly I'm hoping for something nonsensical or that I don't actually want. It feels like some form of progress, even if I still feel rather in flux on it.
• I can improve on this one by continuing to explore my own feelings on the subject, and see if it is transient or a consistent sense of things.
• I appreciate that I was pretty good at keeping my mind open when I started watching The Conspirator, even as bits and pieces felt misfire-y thus far (until I decided to nap =)
• I can improve on this by keeping my mind reasonably open, not so much that I don't have opinions, but to let more data in before making determinations where it makes sense.

Today's Album: State of Euphoria by Anthrax

Mindfulness Day 21

So today was a deeper look into using spatial awareness for homebase--sound and what have you. I still don't feel like I've wrapped my brain around the "expected" "how" of it, but it sincerely feels like maybe the right approach for me. I guess we'll see as time goes on--sometimes it feels like maybe it's clicking, then doesn't seem to actually hold focus. Not even in "oops, got distracted!" sense, just not there even "in the moment". Hm!

• I appreciate that I am working extremely hard right now not to be any form of upset over missing a text from her 23 minutes ago that was about chatting tonight =) It's a good practice, probably: I've got the rational part of my brain engaged alongside the rest, and it's making valid points. I'm simultaneously working on finding the core calm if I can. Clearly, gonna take some practice... x.x
• I can improve on this by...well, keeping at it. I don't enjoy this feeling or this reaction, so finding peace with the emotion while losing the worry and stress would be really nice...!
• I appreciate that I started getting things moving around the house again. Got a decent chunk of tracksuits hung up, Beatles boxes moved into appropriate storage...all around doing all right! Down to only 20 or so artists to get hometowns for, too!
• I can improve on this by keeping some tasks moving every day, and giving myself grace on not finishing them when I fail to do so!
• I appreciate that I remembered tracksuit Friday this time, and so, apparently did a lot of other people =)
• I can improve on this by...maybe setting reminders, I guess? I dunno!

Today's Album: The Slow Crack by Steve Kilbey

Mindfulness Day 20 (Belated!)

Late again! whoops!

Yesterday I got super time-cramped, managed to only get in one guided session (on better body awareness), but still got in the album. I don't have much to comment on this one I guess--I did get something more out of this, I think, by looking at internal still points. That was kinda nice!

• I appreciate that I was able to comfortably balance my schedule, including my decision to run in the morning. I didn't hold it against myself that I slipped on getting the guided sessions in, because I got in the one I think is most valuable to me.
• I can improve on this by continuing to find that balance between adhering to a schedule and leaving myself some freedom: finding my sweet spot =)
• I appreciate that I was able to come up with a concrete idea for how to approach my album-selection-adjustment (going to region, as planned!) and a timeline for it that felt like the right mix of aggressive and relaxed.
• I can improve on this by applying comparable principles to other plans--like setting myself reminders for doing some of this stuff, which I did =)
• I appreciate that I am a person who can let someone come to me to vent or unload and remain non-judgmental, even as I balance differing perspectives--whether it's theirs and who they're talking about, or mine and theirs!
• I can improve on this by keeping myself available and attentive when people need someone to talk to =)

Today's Album: Renegade by Thin Lizzy

Mindfulness Day 19

Today it was "Sanity day": pulling oneself explicitly out of the bubble of those random thoughts, be they imagery or "words" that clutter the mind. The exercise is, it seems, stressful for many--it was a bit for me, but mostly it was actually kind of a relief! It was a chance to point at those things and know what the heck to do with them. I was aware of how chattery my brain is, but this actually helped me see even more than I realized..

• I appreciate that I was able to see something I didn't see on a revisitation today. When I noticed just those few words: "I feel" in response to a question, it dawned on me that I had missed that it was intended to answer my question, despite how far out of left field it felt like on my end. Minor revelation that I actually felt =)
• I can improve on this by trying to keep my mind open when things don't fit or make sense to me: looking for the ways they do make sense, or might make sense!
• I appreciate that I was able to pivot pretty well once I made that realization. I adjusted to the idea of words being too weird or foreign or complex or meaningless or whatever it might be, and went on with the things that made sense on her end. An adjustment to be certain, but one I was able to grapple with.
• I can improve on this by looking for more ways to interpolate different communication styles from my own, or learn how to adjust mine to make sense.
• I appreciate that I found a good solid schedule this evening. Wasn't perfect, but I'm done with all the big stuff a lot earlier than most other nights--which is good, considering I'm still feeling pretty toasted from all of the last few nights and their weird schedules. Should hopefully be up for running tomorrow!
• I can improve on this by trying to keep my schedule more consistent and looking for the spaces for it to fit, rather than floating so freely through it all that I end up goofing myself up in the long run.

Today's Album: Andrew Bird & the Mysterious Production of Eggs by Andrew Bird

Mindfulness Day 18

So, today it was "electric clarity": an emphasis on the feeling of snapping back to homebase. Semi-ironically, I suppose, this was the day my brain was not great at it--even moreso, it would meander, or sliiiide back to homebase, rather than snapping, today. Kind of, "Wait, what? Oh yeah, homebase, yeah..." instead of "Oops, homebase, my friend!"

A good lesson, though: embracing the jump back, as that was something I felt "bad" about a lot--was I letting thoughts pass and gently releasing whenever I snapped backward? Maybe not! Hopefully not! Sounds like not! =)

• I appreciate that I was able to take my moments on realizing things weren't working right in my body/mind/brain/eye/things (some flashes in the peripheral of my right eye), I just set stuff down and went to go sleep it off as best I could. I'm not certain that's what I needed, but I decided that was what felt right and I ought to do for the situation, so I was able to do it guilt-free. Even if maybe it was brought on by my own weird sleep schedule lately--I did it for the right reasons!
• I can improve on this by trying to keep myself on a better sleep schedule as is =) I thought about this a bit today, and I think I'll let the Lego set go for the night, deciding it's more important to get the rest than maintain that schedule. Only benefits, really: that means more time to enjoy it when I have time!
• I appreciate that I was able to focus more on work today: I got a lot more done on my primary project of requirements, and that felt pretty good.
• I can improve on this by pushing for that feeling, by focusing on the work I need to get done, rather than slipping into avoidance in procrastination: figuring out what the heck it is that keeps me so far away from it when I tend to actually enjoy it once it gets going.
• I appreciate that I really take a lot of joy from the media I find interesting: that I like sharing all of it and wanting the rest of the world to understand what is so lovely and joyous and great about it all.
• I can improve on this by focusing less on whether others notice all the time, and more on the times that they do.

Today's Album: Cult des Hasses by Acheron

Mindfulness Day 17

Welp, writing this the next day as the day got away from me again, though I opened and started it (well, I wrote the subject...) yesterday.

Today it was about staying still in the eye of the hurricane--it included something that actually fit with previous notions, actually. Jeff had us imagining a central line that built with glow with each inhale, and slid back down with each exhale. This was actually rather like my (as I recall, quite successful!) sound-based (me making it, that is) practice a while ago, where I was imagining logs fed through a saw to fit the noise, starting from full and whittling down through the exhale. It was pretty helpful, as my brain seems to like the mind's eye view as a focal point, so I was pretty pleased.

• I appreciate that, despite an emotional reaction, I was able to pull my brain out of it and think through things. It wasn't perfect (as I was caught doing it, I guess), but I was still getting there. Something near where I actually want to be myself. So: nice!
• I can improve on this by continuing to practice and finding that point of calm--and maybe practice finding it in those moments more quickly, instead of being dragged by external events to wherever I end up.
• I appreciate that I was patient with myself through that experience: even though I knew I'd had that strong emotional reaction and probably reacted with it a bit, I moved forward and tried to keep finding my way outside of it. The grace of having "fallen for it" first thing was not unheeded or unsent. Well done, me =)
• I can improve on this by remembering it's not a crime to "fall for it", or a failing. It's just something I want to improve, and practice makes perfect and all that!
• I appreciate that I accepted my timeline last night meant I was not going to get in a run this morning, and that I think I've got myself focused enough today to make sure everything gets done in time to get me to bed early enough to do it.
• I can improve on this by making sure I do, in fact, get stuff done tonight--and not hold it against myself if something else becomes more important in the moment =)

Today's Album: !!! by !!!

Mindfulness Day 16

Today, Jeff spoke of "the still point": a mental point of total stillness. This seemed like a nice thing--and he suggested a variety of locations, such as a very still part of the body, or the moment while holding a breath. Oddly, I felt like I could focus on a space sort of in front of me and find greater stillness. I could feel thoughts like, "Uh, wait, is this like...denying my body or something? Is this okay?" fighting through, but decided to discard them and hold the feeling. It was interesting as for a moment around my heart felt right, but then my brain sort of slid "forward" and I went "Woah, that's even quieter."

I ended up finding something similar during "me"-ditation, and really held to it...but I think I was possibly slipping in and out of consciousness as I sat there. Still not completely sure, but I was hella-relaxed afterward, so I'll take it!

• I appreciate that when I had a thoroughly heart-pounding moment, I didn't try to still my heart, but tried to look through the feelings and the reactions. the interesting part of those is that so much of the time I'm not certain what's actually underlying it--I mean, here it was paranoid jealousy, which is nothing new, but every time I try to dig through that feeling, I come up like...well, I have the image of something I've read or seen where someone is digging through something and at the end, they just have scraps of the thing around them, and never found anything else. Like trying to find what's hiding in the center of an onion, perhaps. Still, I got an external signal that calmed me--I was a little disappointed I didn't have the chance to work through it on my own, but I'm glad I had the mental investment to be willing =)
• I can improve on this by taking the moment next time to actively walk off and look for my center during it, rather than keeping the window open to an external solution for a while.
• I appreciate that I was able to still find joy in The Guyver, despite the fact that I now completely see its limitations and how it simultaneously showed a lot of love for the source material, but also made some choices that were not exactly respectful in tone. Maybe self-justification, but it does at least feel like the "lack of respect" had nothing to do with not respecting the source material at least!
• I can improve on this by continuing to keep my mind open to new experiences, and revisitations of old experience. And remember that, sometimes, it can turn out a thing I liked--I don't like anymore =)
• I appreciate that I stuck with looking for these furniture skates in front of me--and that I didn't admonish myself when I finally remembered where they were. I was just pleased/excited!
• I can improve on this one by, well, continuing to give myself that grace of accepting that I won't always remember where I put stuff if I don't fully intend to. And that's okay!

Today's Album: In 3-D by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Mindfulness Day 15 (Also belated!)

Well, I'm not going to complain about this one for sure: I missed out on entering this last night due to the volume of socializing I was doing--first a video chat (since we're all sheltered-in-place) with her and her friends, then the film club chat, followed by catching up with some friends and some strangers, followed finally by returning to the video chat with her and her friends. Was pretty tired by the time the West Coast was tired for sure, so off to bed it was!

The morning, I was stuck, of course, with Jeff Warren's title: "Evenflow". Stuck, that is, with hearing Pearl Jam immediately...

It was good as a concept, sort of fit with the kind of thing I have tried to do with "me"-ditation (and varying levels of success therein!). I tried to apply it to a few things over the day, but my regular tussles with "Force discipline" vs. "Accept my free-floating nature" left me going ahead and re-arranging the basement for movie-watching mid-movie.

I decided to find a kind, direct way to tell her about how I was still experiencing feelings, and did my best to do exactly that--no solid signals from the other end, but trust is one of those things I'm working on, so I just kind of ran with it as is.

• I appreciate that I am someone who wanted to find the right balance between expressing myself and respecting someone I care about. It meant being more at peace with my feelings for and around her, even where there's the scary bits of them not being accepted, or not being readily accepted, or maybe even them being silently accepted.
• I can improve on this by making sure I keep an eye on that kind of sharing--not brutal discipline to control it, but honing and refining, so that the edge of them remains sharp and direct, rather than flattening and dulling, which always seems to go worse for recipients--and me as a sender, when they don't actually cut through! =)
• I appreciate that I was able to find, yesterday, the comfort and strength to be more open in conversations with a lot of strangers. I had confidence in my sense of humour, even when it wasn't landing with people, in the way that I do when I'm around people I feel comfortable and in-place with. It was pretty great! =)
• I can improve on this by remembering that it's not that big a deal: I don't tell malicious or cruel jokes, so the worst that happens is people don't think I'm funny, maybe even think I'm annoying. But if others don't, is that the worst loss? How can I be funny/fun/whatever to everyone, anyway?
• I appreciate that I found time for many things yesterday, but also let myself do the things I most wanted to do, even when it meant giving up other things I wanted to do. Being able to comfortably prioritize is a hard-won skill, and I felt comfortable with all of it yesterday: even when I decided to leave the other-voicechat to go back to hers, it wasn't tangled in the sense of "Oh no! I'm abandoning things!" nor in the "Oh god I need to get over to that one or I'll miss everything!" It just seemed like a good time to just have a conversation, and be in a good place to build comfort levels for myself--outside games where I've got that greater risk of feelings of inferiority.
• I can improve on this by keeping aware of my own feelings, accepting them as they are, but not letting them drive or control me too much. If I just really feel like switching gears: switch gears! If I feel like switching gears because I'm afraid, I need to stop and think about what I actually want to do--whether I'm happy with being where I am, or whether I also want to switch gears behind the fear.

Today's Album: Fool the Wise by It's Not Not

Mindfulness Day 14 (Belated!)

Hey! So...

I did everything per usual yesterday, but between announcing the new movie for the film club, everyone starting to watch it and thus choosing to watch it myself at the drop of a hat, and the usual lazy stretch of the workday ending--plus dinner, Lego, and, of course, the me-ditation session itself--followed by a return to communication with her...kinda lost the time.

An explanation, not an excuse: I made my choice as she and I talked and I recalled while relaying this habit that I had not done it yesterday. C'est la vie =)

The 30-day concept was "The sweet spot": it was finding a balance between extreme focus/concentration and total relaxation. Seemed like a good concept for me considering a few of the things I've talked about of late--I'm still having trouble settling on a home base (I think I focus better on sound, but the idea starts to make me question whether I could hold onto it in a less-than-ideal environment, or whether it would be effective if I needed to find a homebase in a difficult conversation with a coworker, for instance), and some of that is down to trying to find the right space for concentration vs. relaxation. It's a nuanced space for sure--somewhere between things, and my continuing struggles with relaxing into spacing or even focusing too hard indicate I'm definitely not there yet. Onward and upward, though--can't and legitimately don't expect this to magically work. Maybe hope it will one day =)

(which gets funny: then I'm hoping for an epiphany of mindfulness, which seems like an inherent contradiction!)

• I appreciate that I've been able to ration out the chicken tikka masala, despite it being the perfect flavour/heat preference for me. That's no perfectly mean feat, and it does make me feel way better about the money I'm spending on food here. It doesn't make the cost completely reasonable, of course...but it's better than nothing to be sure!
• I can improve on this with a little greater discipline on making those orders in the first place =)
• I appreciate that I was able to recognize the moments of tension in our conversation last night--on my end, and work my way through them. That was actually quite nice, even when I got unexpectedly frustrated that she thought I was being calm maybe as a "show" (something I even imagined, to some extent!), I didn't berate myself for it, I calmed my newfound frustrations down by accepting that it was frustrating me and moving forward. Still a little herky-jerky, but that felt more like it was real than like I was failing.
• I can improve on this by continuing to focus efforts on really looking for those moments, and also accepting them. It's not wrong for me to be frustrated or jealous or any of those things--it's in letting them control my reactions that I have issues.
• I appreciate that I was also able to stay "calm" for everyone starting on the new movie. I made my decision to go ahead and watch and then stuck to it. That made it all work out pretty nicely for me, down to when it finished and when she messaged me to talk--so it didn't leave me too tense in any direction.
• I can improve on this by continuing to move toward that acceptance of the things beyond my control, and looking for more of the good: if everyone wants to start the movie I picked *early*, well hot dang, right? =)

Today's Album: My Brain Hurts by Screeching Weasel

Mindfulness Day 13

(Day corrected, because it's actually the 13th day, I've been counting poorly)

I've decided on the 30-day with Jeff Warren + the "daily calm", since it's essentially "here's 10-15 to meditate". That way, I'm not inundating myself with methodologies or what have you.

Today, Jeff spoke of the "concentration gym", and pointed to the various "homebases" people use. I know I struggle here: am I trying too hard on one that doesn't work for me? Am I giving up too easily one one that does? So I wander back and forth a lot and it's kind of terrible. I mean, he says right here: pick one and stick with it, whichever feels best, and then just hone it with practice. So, I'm going with hearing, because I think it may actually work pretty well for me. I was tormented by the idea of trying to do it while someone actively tries to talk to me--but that seems a little like searching out a poor circumstance I think, so I'm leaving it be. Obviously, this fits pretty well with my me-ditation of musical listenings every evening anyway!

• I appreciate that sometimes I do have valuable information and I know it--for all those times I feel like I know nothing or am useless or all that other super-helpful stuff, I sometimes really do know what I'm talking about. Today I was actually pretty good about choosing when to interject and provide knowledge--it was for the purposes of moving things forward and getting things established, which I'm kind of proud of.
• I can improve on this with a continued interest in looking for the right times to do it, as well as keeping myself on track to speak up when I know something. Finely tuning the balance to all that is fine, but speak up, me! =)
• I appreciate that I'm a lot more relaxed on a lot of things. My neurosis around strangers has mellowed to some extent: whenever I saw a woman about, I'd get lost in hopes and dreams and such that she'd notice me and I'd get flattered and--actually that was about it, which seemed reasonably harmless, but I'm getting better at just letting whatever is...be. So if she does: neat! If not, so what?
• I can improve on this by keeping a relaxed mind about these things. Trying to push, nudge, or identify a response tends to just sort of burst the bubble like touching it, after all =)
• I appreciate my willingness to keep at running, and try to be smart about it. I ran again today, but I moderated it given how sore I've been lately. That's kind of a two-fer, I guess? I'm glad I'm still on it, but also glad I'm not murdering my legs to death =)
• I can improve on this by making sure I stick with it, and don't kill myself in the process =)

Today's album: Dead Man's Bones by Dead Man's Bones

Mindfulness Day 11

Continuing with 30 days today, it was about friendliness and openness--to others of all kinds, and ourselves.

Uncomfortably close to therapy recommendations, but I soldiered through. I did find it most difficult to apply friendly feelings to myself. Even as I was told to pick someone I struggle with after someone I obviously cared about--and I strode off into the darker regions, mind you--I wasn't having much trouble. But when I was supposed to turn positive feelings over to myself...? Would that my brain could manufacture its own cricket noises... =)

Still: decided to re-apply it a few times during the day, and threw in the suggested mantra (self-directed) for my mantra a day or so after my existing backlog of pre-written ones (I kinda liked the idea, as a bunch were coming to me from movies, lyrics, thoughts, etc, of having them to look at each day, rather than come up with them--we'll see how that goes when I start running down/out...)

• I appreciate that I'm trying to be more open and friendly with folks now. Accepting a compliment from a cashier, talking to my neighbours and waving hello as I went out for supplies this evening. I'm also trying to relax my reflexive notes of frustration with the people who, well, frustrate me.
• I can improve on this by moving further on the frustrating folks, but also working on returning things. The cashier said they liked my style: I liked theirs as well, but thought to say this only after I left, so simultaneously flattered and taken aback was I. I mean, I drifted their way because I liked theirs in the first place, so I stopped thinking about it.
• I appreciate that I'm still wrestling with my feelings and "rightness", "wrongness", and the space between them. I don't have a definitive idea for these in more complex situations, and I appreciate that, while also appreciating that somewhere in there I do have strong feelings, which I'm willing to break apart and examine for their sources and origins.
• I can improve on this by continuing to think and ruminate on how such things work or could work. Not exactly a new plan, but the plan all the same =D
• I appreciate that I'm really letting myself enjoy all the various conversations with people about all kinds of stuff by interacting instead of hiding from everything that's difficult. It is making time pass happily and a hell of a lot easier.
• I can improve on this by starting and participating in even more conversations, following those periodic impulses rather than falling back reflexively to the ease of not bothering.

Today's Album: Wreck by Unsane

Mindfulness Day 10

Thought my day count was getting weird, then realized I forgot to write anything Sunday night. Whoops. Day counts adjusted!

I'm finding myself struggling more with some albums to keep my attention focused, so that's interesting. I also find my posture sagging, which I know is a general problem for me. Not sure if it's something to work on here, or whether it's "inevitable" here or what. Hmm.

Acceptance is definitely the other bit--even before I had the "guides" suggesting it, it was something I was trying to do, but finding the space between reveling and rejecting where accepting exists has been difficult for sure. I did get some extra practice today with something that felt like bad news (that was practice in-and-of itself, really: looking at the news itself, trying to accept it and so on) so that helped--I think?

• I appreciate that I am learning that greater acceptance, in some situations if not others. That I'm still striving to let things in and move around, so that I can really accept some of the things that I know I need to for my own sake. The effort alone is meaningful to me.
• I can improve on this by: practicing more! Acceptance remains hard =)
• I appreciate that I've found the fortitude (or whatever it is) to continue with the things I think are important, even when it feels like "the system" suggests I should do otherwise. Work, in particular, has been hitting this theme a lot, and I've been deciding to continue to act on what I think I bring value with, rather than whatever might stumble across my vision.
• I can improve on this by making sure I don't give in to the despairing kind of acceptance where I feel impotent ant pointless, simply because some rules or whatnot have told me I'm not supposed to do the valuable thing no one else is doing either.
• I appreciate that I feel like I'm working toward a positive balance in being able to recognize my flaws and the difficulties that don't stem entirely from myself. This being a pretty high-up goal, I'm happy I feel like there's been progress on it.
• I can improve on this by trying to keep myself and others in mind as much as possible, and forgiving myself when I goof it up, knowing I'll still be striving to get it right.

Today's Album: Manchild & Myth by Peter Koppes

Mindfulness Day 9

Almost forgot today! Whoops! (and did forget yesterday...)

I ran a bit late on everything since I lost power today, so it all went a bit out of whack.

I continued on the 30-day program of "How to Meditate" and am appreciating the congenial tones of the speaker still. I threw on the "daily calm" and it all worked out pretty nicely. I'm doing better, I think, at remembering to "soft smile" my way through the sessions, hoping (maybe ridiculously, but still doing it!) that it might just fall permanent. (After that, maybe I can start on my posture...)

• I appreciate that I was able to take up running as a new form of cardio exercise in the lands of quarantine, to run myself ragged the first day (with sore quads and everything!), and then to pick it back up the next day.
• I can improve on this by giving myself a dang rest tomorrow. I'm shuffling around like my joints don't work anymore because of how stiff I am. Shouldn't over do it!
• I appreciate that I was able to have a conversation with someone that was more direct than before. I liked the idea of just addressing things and getting them done with--something I've always liked, but was not great at getting to the thrust of out of fear of consequences. It went pretty well! Good on me for giving it a go!
• I can improve on this by keeping it in mind for conversations with others that might be more risky; it's always possible that I can overdo it, so I should also keep in mind the nuances and vagaries of individuals in the process.
• I appreciate that I've taken a sort of shrugging amusement to some of the more confusingly frustrating things that occasionally still wander my brain. It's not dismissal or avoidance (thankfully!), but it is a greater acceptance of why my stance might be confusing to someone else, and thus lead to a completely inverted response--I'm controlling my responding to her, not trying to get a break from her existence, after all.
• I can improve on this one by moderating that amusement, or maybe even by tempering or re-purposing it: letting it bring me through the difficulties and complexities in its levels of shrugging acceptance. Here's hoping!

Today's Album: Fragrant World by Yeasayer

Mindfulness Day 7

Started new programs, given this is actually day 8 (why did I not go to...oh well! numbers matter little!). Poked at the "how to meditate" 30 day program. Seems interesting: a little more personally relevant/derived from this speaker. Felt good that I didn't go, say, "Ugh. 30 days?"--nice to feel the commitment is there.

Also tried a singular step into open-hearted compassion (for oneself, so far as I can see). There were some nice bits in there, including some things I've been trying to remember, like putting a soft smile on my face--I mean, she always commented on them, but that's not the point, it's that maybe I should accept that aiming for it might make it more reflexive, and make me seem more open, or even be more open, or more positive. But it went on and suggested more metaphorical "smiles" all over the place--as a sort of way of understanding or expressing that sense of open-ness throughout myself. Kinda worked in a number of places, even!

The mantra today was "Reality is this moment, not the future." Did okay with it--had to remind myself and grimaced a touch because when I was trying to recall it, it was very relevant...oopsie =)

• I appreciate that I was willing to consider a deliberate smile, and continue to be willing to do so. I've even started trying to do it without a reminder from guidance =)
• I can improve on this by trying to add it in earlier--when I start, say, because then my belief that over time it might make it more reflexive is more likely to see such benefits!
• I appreciate that I was willing to try a new idea by starting a film club with folks via Facebook. I accepted the probable risks (no one responding, no one actually bothering, me giving up early--the usual) and did it anyway, trying to find a nice balance of the possible with the extra efforts necessary. This is something she pointed out to me once--which I definitely took as a bit of a challenge to my perspective. More than I needed to.
• I can improve on this by doing the work to keep it active and doing my part, recognizing that people will fall off here and there, but trying to keep things moving. Not getting too ahead of things though, especially--don't need to inundate people! =)
• I appreciate that I got some stuff done around the place today. Saw some trash gathering as I'm wont to do, and at least got it moving forward and more collected. I also got the new curtains up, tweaked various things here and there to make it all work better, and successfully confused my brain about what time it is with regard to light sources... 0=)
• I can improve on this by keeping things moving forward even past now, by gathering more and getting it all the way to the dumpster, by keeping better track and steady progress instead of fits and starts as best I can!

Today's Album: In/Casino/Out by At the Drive-In

Mindfulness Day 6

Well, today ended the first run of "classes" with Calm.

Calm: Awareness
Calming Anxiety: Befriending Anxiety

A solid session today, it did feel more like treading water concept-wise today, but that was completely fine. Good to practice the already-known stuff, and the "befriending anxiety" was, admittedly, still a little nice: "riding the waves" as she said, was a new concept to throw myself at a bit.

• I appreciate that I am learning to roll with things better--it's not a skill I lacked, but I'm learning to roll with more things than I did previously, and that's really nice. Being able to calm things down is pretty important for me, and I manage to do it better and better as time goes on.
• I can improve on this by keeping the idea of riding waves and staying with myself even in the more difficult moments, and not holding it against myself when I miss them.
• I appreciate that I had two moments (one with the re-appearance of Teresa, another with Matthew) where I fell into old habits--but I recognized it, even if it was afterward, and it kept me aware of things to work on in the future. Being a little obscure in the former, and leaping to shame in the latter--both instinctive, but I did catch them pretty quickly, even if it was after the fact.
• I can improve on this by continuing to not fault myself for it, and by now leaving myself a little more space in moments of varying stress, unease, or uncertainty to have those reactions and not let them be what defines my following actions.
• I appreciate that I'm invested in others. I did reach out to her today--it was some sort of hybrid, work-related-cum-gesture-of-friendliness, and it didn't go so hot. But it was okay! I didn't overreact, I just tried to stay free-and-easy and let my intentions float there freely. Still didn't feel like it got where it needed to in terms of creating a safe space for her to react, but all I can do there is try.
• I can improve on this in a few ways:
• Probably not compromise on my intentions, however much I might feel it's a way to have it both ways, or try to build up things in the "right" places (like work!)
• Let go of more of my words--into the ether, not into the ears of others. Let them speak for themselves, not crowd them with companions.
• Continue to respect my motivations and intentions, even with the above mental notes to keep them maybe restrained and controlled.

Today's Album: Hardcore Friends by Lithuania

Mindfulness Day 5

Today, "calming anxiety" was about pausing and "calm" was about patience (hoo boy!)

It was still a nice start to the day (er, sorta--I do it a chunk into the morning I guess!) and gave me some things to think about as the day went on. Trying to pause was something I did without having a term for it, and patience is something I was explicitly already trying for: I'm doing a Lego set one numbered-bag-set a day, which has been pretty trying the last two days as I build...a sheet of water. Over two days. Yikes. Still! Didn't use that as an excuse to add another bag!

But being patient with myself was something else again. It was a good lesson for the day (slash last few days...) as I'm still absolutely desperate to reach out to her. It's driving me totally bananas that I could be spending time with her and I'm not. I mean, not that I'd be spending every night talking to her, but even those brief moments of contact with a person you care about are worth something, right? Right.

Anyway!

I had a beer with dinner, which happened to disprove my prior theory that alcohol inherently screws up my ability to concentrate--I was actually pretty stressed (see above about contact) and then calmed down a bit, but really calmed down when I sat and listened to the day's record. This time I chose it with the assistance of crowd-sourcing and spreadsheets, which turned out interestingly...

I'm still bargaining with myself on what deviations are possible (What if I set up work time? What if I just sent a message that was non-committal and said nice things I'm feeling? What if I just re-emphasized that I can be reached out to if she needs it? What if I just sent her a text Friday to ask her if she wanted to chat when I'm "back"?) so it's still trying, and means a lot of work on various senses of patience at this point...

But work continues!

It has to, because my goals are my own, and regardless of the outcomes (however optimistic I might be--and might even be letting myself be...), I intend to be better with it than I am now, whatever that amounts to. More prepared, more stable. I mean, I'm already more stable than I used to be, so there's that.

• I appreciate my flexibility. I had decided against alcohol for the week, thinking it caused issues, but decided to non-judgmentally have a single beer. It turned out fine, and I didn't admonish myself for making a different choice as time went on. A very fine line right now, if one reads above =)
• I can improve on this by continuing to refine and understand where and when that flexibility is valuable, and choosing to exercise it more patiently with myself.
• I appreciate that I can learn something new, and push past old, resistant cynicism: when I hear some of the phrases and concepts in the ongoing guided meditation, sometimes I get mildly annoyed, or I can hear a distant call for less silly langauge--but I set that aside and keep my mind open, not for agreeing with the phrases or whatever that bother me, but for the value in the ideas they represent--and how I can find what is actually good and important within them. The kinds of patience, or pausing--not ignoring what she's saying and choosing something arbitrary, but following the spirit closely to get to what is valuable to me.
• I can improve on this by practicing this open mind with other frustrating situations, especially when "higher stakes" like work. I'm already trying!
• I appreciate that I'm a person who feels capable of love without the return of it. Right now and for days I've been experiencing the feeling of love that has been pretty hard for me in life. And I'm doing it without getting a clear signal back--at best, I'm working on my own internal sense of trust. It's building even greater optimism, and it feels nice.
• I can improve on this by being careful about the fragility of that feeling for myself: by not letting anything else pollute or intrude, especially anything like dread, negativity, or pessimism.

Today's Album: Cry Is for the Flies by Le Butcherettes

Mindfulness Day 4

Today, it was the nature of change ("riding the waves of anxiety") and the value of non-doing.

One of those (the former--it's the former) is definitely of value to someone of my nature.

I felt pretty solid with those this morning, I even felt pretty good about it all.

I went through my album later in the day, and since it was a 45rpm pressing, it meant 4 sides--so I alternated different methods to build on what I talked about yesterday--trying to be more consistent and less scattered about my "self-guiding"--and did pretty okay with it.

I decided that, in all of this, I had to start figuring a few other things out. If my goal is to be more calm and centered as an individual because I think that will help me to be the person I want to be, then I have to stop running from some things. So I made a few tweaks here and there to things I've done over time to hide the most difficult things from myself--partly as a means of reminding myself that not everything is the worst thing ever. It meant looking at, even facing some of those things, so that I could carry myself through them. I was reminded that this is something I've done before--but never so knowingly, deliberately, and studiously.

I realize I forgot my mantra in here yesterday, but I can add it in later (I keep that journal--the hand-written kind--upstairs where I meditate).

Today, though, it was pretty straightforward:

If someone loves me now, they can love me on the other side of this.

The kind of thing I need a lot of reminding of, so it made sense.

• I appreciated that this morning I merged some old thoughts and whatnot to find a different focus. I sat up in bed and I started using "the bee" (I believe it's called) to add a drone to my impromptu meditation. I used the sound to focus my concentration on my breathing, imagining a log going through a sawmill to match the sound. It was very helpful at keeping me on track, which was great.
• I can improve on this by continuing to use techniques I learn to find the right space and method for my own needs, and maybe even to apply appropriately for different circumstances. 
• I appreciate that I was able to push past my own resistance tonight, the bland discontentment that suggested I didn't "know what I wanted to do", and instead I pushed forward and threw a movie on to finish out the night. I ended up quite enjoying it, so that was really good of me to nudge myself on.
• I can improve on this by trying to recognize that resistance and sit with it in that moment, and maybe dissolve or disassemble it so that I can better recognize what I'd actually like to do, rather than trying to carry myself into a moment more through force (however passive that was =)
• I appreciate that afterward, my nerves were pretty tightly bound, and the earlier part of the day's recollection that this is a bit of an anniversary (without even being notified!) was enough to set me up, but not to tear me down. I'm still pretty tense right now, and in desperate desire of reaching out to her--and I could, but after my conversation with my therapist yesterday, I think she was right and I need to maintain the boundary I set for my own benefit. Part of what the mantra was for, really--remembering that two weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but still might be enough to make it so that I can appreciate whatever kind of relationship there is on the other side.
• I can improve on this by continuing to work on accepting and living with those feelings, of not letting them control me and push me to give up on my decisions, while also respecting their reality, and also that maybe I could reach out and it would be fine--but that it being "fine" (or even "good") isn't really the point, it's trying to make sure that I don't jump the gun and want so desperately to be with her (in contact, I mean) that I screw up the chance to be happy and comfortable with that state.

Today's Album: The Positives by Person L

Mindfulness Day 3

Like yesterday, my two defined sessions were a lot earlier in the day than now, so they've kinda passed me by a bit at this point. There were some new techniques for how to deal with intrusive thoughts I'm working with--better ways to note those thoughts and release them.

I felt still pretty tense through my secondary "me-ditation" with music, I'd had a surprise therapy session to try to sort out some feelings (not a surprise for me exactly, mind you) and some of that and other things were still floating around--or maybe it was deciding my late dinner should be accompanied by rumchata? It wasn't a ton, but maybe enough to throw me off. Something I'll keep in mind going forward, in any case!

• I appreciated that, even as I was struggling this evening, I kept myself even on the conscious level, and didn't get frustrated at my seeming inability to calm completely
• I can improve on this by working on a more consistent relaxation approach (I was sort of trying various things, which doesn't exactly help!), or by maybe trying to reach out and touch those senses and feelings a little more readily/handily so that I can process them better.
• I appreciate that I was taking a more positive attitude in some of my work conversations today, not even at a super high level, but tipping the last bits around, and working as best I can to make sense of things and appreciate the way things are--without throwing my concerns out the window
• I can improve on this by keeping myself thinking this way, aiming for positive interactions with coworkers and aiming for movement forward, rather than getting mired in the frustrations of the moment.
• I appreciated my decision-making today. I stayed present in a conversation that got increasingly frustrating, but got myself to explain my position without losing my cool entirely--and while making sure I didn't forget my own needs/emotions in the process. I also felt like I got to a reasonable place--with some help, courtesy "emergency therapy"--on a desire to contact her. It wasn't that I even thought it would be bad to contact her, I just didn't want to run the risk of it mirroring impatience and disrupting my decision to take a break to heal myself properly.
• I can improve on this by looking at my decisions further in advance where possible, and trying to head off mounting frustrations sooner, rather than giving in and perpetuating them. Then I don't have to have the frustrated reactions to experience and display
  
  
• I also appreciated that I had sweet, warm thoughts about her that I wanted to share (even if I ended up not doing it) because it felt good for me and toward her. Still kind of wish I could've shared them for that fact, but two weeks is not that long, and it will be a good lesson in trust if I can make it this long--or, hopefully, a good moment to appreciate even an alternate/undesired outcome without her in it.

Today's album: Chulahoma by The Black Keys

Mindfulness Day 2

I'd like to make this another fraction to amuse myself, but I'd also rather just move along through things, so nice flat 2 it is!

I did my meditation sessions way earlier in the day--the early-middle of the workday, no less--so I actually don't recall much about the ideas within them, and this seems like a decent enough time to practice not having to be completely correct and specific in all things, so I shan't go check!

I know the anxiety one was about letting go of thoughts way more--which is definitely a good chunk of the struggle for someone who has built up the already restless nature of the mind into an omnipresent tornado, but that just means it's that much more a good idea for me.

I chose a sideways mantra from my sessions: "Every thought, especially the ones based in fear, is just that: a thought."

It felt like maybe the wrong one as the day went on and I felt tension over the kinds of things I've always struggled with, things like fearing that taking a break from my loved one would leave them realizing they didn't actually want me around--but I decided to both stick with the mantra I chose and try and work with those thoughts. After all, that's why it's kind of "sideways": not quite dismissal of thoughts in general, not quite the selection of that specific one that kept sneaking up on me.

I spent the whole album today for my "me-ditating" (heh) being pretty still, and trying to live in the moment of the music. I did think it worked better as an album choice this time, too. I'm going to keep experimenting with how to go about that part. After all, I'm basically choosing my own guide...!

• I appreciate that I recognize progress as progress. I didn't hold it against myself when thoughts would still trickle and flood in. And when it felt a bit too abrupt that I let them go (more disruptive than I feel like it "should" be), I didn't admonish myself, I just noted that and tried to relax more next time.
• I can improve on this by trying to step further away from thoughts so that they're easier to notice coming and going, rather than having them leap all the way "into" me before I'm even aware.
• I appreciate that I've learnt discipline over the years: my itch to start on the next step of the Lego set I bought is still there, but it doesn't feel nearly so intense, and I trust that I'll actually be able to make this thing last 19 (!) days.
• I can improve on this by trying to apply that same sense of discipline to the much scarier stuff: keeping to my agreement with myself not to contact her, not to prove a point, but to learn to be a person who can better handle that in general.
• I appreciate that I can get caught up in work, and even enjoy myself, and often find the things I get most caught up in are the things that people end up appreciating most as well. I'll end up working way late and not mind, and that's double appreciation.
• I can improve on this one in two ways:
• I can actually try to keep myself from working too late, and spread that joy in work around, but try to keep it from being a forced ending, or something that will make me feel like I lost a "flow"
• I can try to apply the same mentality to the things I don't immediately recognize as enjoyable, or that leave me with some trepidation at starting.

And on to the next one!

Today's record: Rock Action by Mogwai

Songs for This Day

"Breath" - Pere Ubu

"Don't let's talk about tomorrow, baby standin' at the edge of sorrow..." 

"The Gold We're Digging" - Parts & Labor

"Will you hold whatever hands will have you? Will you be what's needed year to year?"

"Let Go" - Intimate Strangers

"So when you lose control next time: let go. Let go! Let the spirit world inside protect you."

"Looking for Someone" - Genesis

"Keep on a striaght line, I don't believe I can. Trying to find a needle in a haystack, chilly wind, you're piercing like a dagger it hurts me so -- Yeah!" 

Monday:

"2 Rights Make 1 Wrong" - Mogwai

Tuesday:

"Meet Me in the City" - The Black Keys

Wednesday:

"The Ice of Boston" - The Dismemberment Plan

Mindfulness Day 1½

Hi.

I'm writing this because I've decided to start some mindfulness work in my life, and I am compelled to write things, so I wanted to put the two together.

I'm more public/visible/whatever about my thoughts normally, but I want to let this float in the ether for a time, so it's going to be "unadvertised" for the moment.

Today--I'm using the Calm app for guided meditation--I went through my two sessions (I've got a lot of anxiety...) and it came to two concepts: the mind-body connection, and "noting".

I spent a lot of time avoiding meditation, not because I thought it was spiritual hokum, but because I thought it would never work for me due to my constantly-spinning brain. Anyone who knows the practice is probably doing something along the lines of smiling and shaking their heads--I'm literally who the stuff is best or most important for, right?

Well, I've taken a class here and there (especially at work), and I actually even sincerely thought about taking up the practice, but I didn't put the discipline in to do it, so I never did.

A recent breakup sort of made me think about the parts of my life that are such a struggle for me, and all the work I've done in my life to get to where I am already, and I considered that maybe this was the right path.

So I did a few sessions yesterday first (~10-15m apiece, guided, one for general calm, one for calming anxiety--two seven day paths I'm going on to start with) and I was a lot calmer for quite a while. Like...even the previous sessions I'd done hadn't had quite that effect, and it's been a long time since those.

I decided I'd start following it with a "personal meditation" of throwing on a record in the bedroom I decided to reserve for this--practicing staying with a whole record seems like a pretty good way to work on focusing attention, so I bought a few extra bits of gear to get set up yesterday after that first session, because it was "walking out" of there that I had this notion of a record being a very "me" way to practice alongside the guided stuff.

So today I started on my new practice (confused and limited though it may be in coming days, I'm at least holding myself to the parts I can definitely manage). The mind-body connection was something I'd certainly already been aware of, in the sense that I know how tense I get when anxious, and I often work to relax it. But the idea--especially merging with that parallel stream of "noting"--of not holding it against myself was at least semi-novel. The guided reminders not to judge my practice were nice, and they were good reminders, but the best thing about them is they were one of those assurances that I've had myself on a good path in general, but have needed some help.

So I added in something else I'd been contemplating--picking up Lazerbeak's mindfulness journal I've had hanging around to take seriously (the crystals? Not so much. Crystals are neat and all, but, nope--too far) and I wrote into it a sort of collapse of ideas and advice: my therapist wants me to try positive mantras, so I wrote one in there. And then I wrote the numbers for what he suggested when he wrote an intro to the thing before sending it to me: three things I'm grateful for every day.

So my mantra today is: "It's okay if she doesn't want all of me. I still have value--even to her."

That may seem somewhat self-defeating or something, but the greatest struggles I have relate to believing I have value to others, and something like removing a romantic relationship definitely sets off my anxieties and fears in the extreme about what value I could possibly have. So using that anchor of that specific person is helpful to focus the idea: to say, "Yep, even to the person you least suspect, you can have value. Even without a romantic partnership."

It still turned out a little odd--I'm sort of stuck on the fact that I'm still willing to offer all of myself, feel like that might actually be of value, and I can't quite put my finger on why the idea felt like something to remind myself of. It was almost like it was what I thought I was supposed to think, I guess? But probably not--so, continuing onward with it!

I actually didn't mean to write this much, but I guess I'm introducing myself to all of this, and to my hypothetical reader (who presumably doesn't exist) so it's all good.

I want to use this space to use another daily "three-list": the things I appreciate about myself. I think it's more to practice being open about it than it is to practice thinking it--eight years of general solitude means losing your mind or finding it, and I felt like I found mine, but affirming that to others (however hypothetical and presumably non-existent!) is what's new/difficult still. So here we go:

• The way that I am open to new experiences, and open to my inexpert practice (at least by myself!). I didn't feel like I "can't" meditate, or that I would fail at it, and accepted that I was only going to be as good as I am right now--and that it's a practice and work, and it's going to take time

• How I can improve this is recognizing that even the "doing it wrong" bits aren't permanent--judging myself for tension and anxiety or thinking I'm failing to focus on my breathing aren't signs that I'm setting off on the wrong path, they're just stops or speedbumps along the right one.

• The desire to appreciate the things around me--especially exhibited in the decision to find my own way to focus and meditate, not as a replacement that might let me deny the parts I need help with, but as an indicator of having been open to the idea, and how I'm making it my own.
• How I can improve this is...working more on my focus =) I was drifting a lot, but working on bringing myself back kindly.
• The willingness to forgive myself for smaller "transgressions". This is not something new, but things I appreciate don't have to be (neither of the above is new, really!). When I decided 2 sides into the record that I wanted to move furniture around my newly-christened "meditation/quiet room", I had some moments of frustration that I was failing to focus, then decided it was okay, and it didn't mean I was going to refuse to focus forever, and maybe this would help me feel comfortable long term, rather than indicating I'd want to move everything around every time.
• How I can improve this is recognizing these "transgressions" as acceptable more quickly and more openly. I don't need to not get up and move around: I put my time in with the guided sessions, and this is my time for my form of focus. If I focus on something different, I'm still focused.

Until tomorrow, my friends!

Today's record: Expert Knob Twiddlers by Mike & Rich