I did everything per usual yesterday, but between announcing the new movie for the film club, everyone starting to watch it and thus choosing to watch it myself at the drop of a hat, and the usual lazy stretch of the workday ending--plus dinner, Lego, and, of course, the me-ditation session itself--followed by a return to communication with her...kinda lost the time.
An explanation, not an excuse: I made my choice as she and I talked and I recalled while relaying this habit that I had not done it yesterday. C'est la vie =)
The 30-day concept was "The sweet spot": it was finding a balance between extreme focus/concentration and total relaxation. Seemed like a good concept for me considering a few of the things I've talked about of late--I'm still having trouble settling on a home base (I think I focus better on sound, but the idea starts to make me question whether I could hold onto it in a less-than-ideal environment, or whether it would be effective if I needed to find a homebase in a difficult conversation with a coworker, for instance), and some of that is down to trying to find the right space for concentration vs. relaxation. It's a nuanced space for sure--somewhere between things, and my continuing struggles with relaxing into spacing or even focusing too hard indicate I'm definitely not there yet. Onward and upward, though--can't and legitimately don't expect this to magically work. Maybe hope it will one day =)
(which gets funny: then I'm hoping for an epiphany of mindfulness, which seems like an inherent contradiction!)
- I appreciate that I've been able to ration out the chicken tikka masala, despite it being the perfect flavour/heat preference for me. That's no perfectly mean feat, and it does make me feel way better about the money I'm spending on food here. It doesn't make the cost completely reasonable, of course...but it's better than nothing to be sure!
- I can improve on this with a little greater discipline on making those orders in the first place =)
- I appreciate that I was able to recognize the moments of tension in our conversation last night--on my end, and work my way through them. That was actually quite nice, even when I got unexpectedly frustrated that she thought I was being calm maybe as a "show" (something I even imagined, to some extent!), I didn't berate myself for it, I calmed my newfound frustrations down by accepting that it was frustrating me and moving forward. Still a little herky-jerky, but that felt more like it was real than like I was failing.
- I can improve on this by continuing to focus efforts on really looking for those moments, and also accepting them. It's not wrong for me to be frustrated or jealous or any of those things--it's in letting them control my reactions that I have issues.
- I appreciate that I was also able to stay "calm" for everyone starting on the new movie. I made my decision to go ahead and watch and then stuck to it. That made it all work out pretty nicely for me, down to when it finished and when she messaged me to talk--so it didn't leave me too tense in any direction.
- I can improve on this by continuing to move toward that acceptance of the things beyond my control, and looking for more of the good: if everyone wants to start the movie I picked *early*, well hot dang, right? =)
Today's Album: My Brain Hurts by Screeching Weasel
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