One of those (the former--it's the former) is definitely of value to someone of my nature.
I felt pretty solid with those this morning, I even felt pretty good about it all.
I went through my album later in the day, and since it was a 45rpm pressing, it meant 4 sides--so I alternated different methods to build on what I talked about yesterday--trying to be more consistent and less scattered about my "self-guiding"--and did pretty okay with it.
I decided that, in all of this, I had to start figuring a few other things out. If my goal is to be more calm and centered as an individual because I think that will help me to be the person I want to be, then I have to stop running from some things. So I made a few tweaks here and there to things I've done over time to hide the most difficult things from myself--partly as a means of reminding myself that not everything is the worst thing ever. It meant looking at, even facing some of those things, so that I could carry myself through them. I was reminded that this is something I've done before--but never so knowingly, deliberately, and studiously.
I realize I forgot my mantra in here yesterday, but I can add it in later (I keep that journal--the hand-written kind--upstairs where I meditate).
Today, though, it was pretty straightforward:
If someone loves me now, they can love me on the other side of this.The kind of thing I need a lot of reminding of, so it made sense.
- I appreciated that this morning I merged some old thoughts and whatnot to find a different focus. I sat up in bed and I started using "the bee" (I believe it's called) to add a drone to my impromptu meditation. I used the sound to focus my concentration on my breathing, imagining a log going through a sawmill to match the sound. It was very helpful at keeping me on track, which was great.
- I can improve on this by continuing to use techniques I learn to find the right space and method for my own needs, and maybe even to apply appropriately for different circumstances.
- I appreciate that I was able to push past my own resistance tonight, the bland discontentment that suggested I didn't "know what I wanted to do", and instead I pushed forward and threw a movie on to finish out the night. I ended up quite enjoying it, so that was really good of me to nudge myself on.
- I can improve on this by trying to recognize that resistance and sit with it in that moment, and maybe dissolve or disassemble it so that I can better recognize what I'd actually like to do, rather than trying to carry myself into a moment more through force (however passive that was =)
- I appreciate that afterward, my nerves were pretty tightly bound, and the earlier part of the day's recollection that this is a bit of an anniversary (without even being notified!) was enough to set me up, but not to tear me down. I'm still pretty tense right now, and in desperate desire of reaching out to her--and I could, but after my conversation with my therapist yesterday, I think she was right and I need to maintain the boundary I set for my own benefit. Part of what the mantra was for, really--remembering that two weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but still might be enough to make it so that I can appreciate whatever kind of relationship there is on the other side.
- I can improve on this by continuing to work on accepting and living with those feelings, of not letting them control me and push me to give up on my decisions, while also respecting their reality, and also that maybe I could reach out and it would be fine--but that it being "fine" (or even "good") isn't really the point, it's trying to make sure that I don't jump the gun and want so desperately to be with her (in contact, I mean) that I screw up the chance to be happy and comfortable with that state.
Today's Album: The Positives by Person L
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