I'm writing this because I've decided to start some mindfulness work in my life, and I am compelled to write things, so I wanted to put the two together.
I'm more public/visible/whatever about my thoughts normally, but I want to let this float in the ether for a time, so it's going to be "unadvertised" for the moment.
Today--I'm using the Calm app for guided meditation--I went through my two sessions (I've got a lot of anxiety...) and it came to two concepts: the mind-body connection, and "noting".
I spent a lot of time avoiding meditation, not because I thought it was spiritual hokum, but because I thought it would never work for me due to my constantly-spinning brain. Anyone who knows the practice is probably doing something along the lines of smiling and shaking their heads--I'm literally who the stuff is best or most important for, right?
Well, I've taken a class here and there (especially at work), and I actually even sincerely thought about taking up the practice, but I didn't put the discipline in to do it, so I never did.
A recent breakup sort of made me think about the parts of my life that are such a struggle for me, and all the work I've done in my life to get to where I am already, and I considered that maybe this was the right path.
So I did a few sessions yesterday first (~10-15m apiece, guided, one for general calm, one for calming anxiety--two seven day paths I'm going on to start with) and I was a lot calmer for quite a while. Like...even the previous sessions I'd done hadn't had quite that effect, and it's been a long time since those.
I decided I'd start following it with a "personal meditation" of throwing on a record in the bedroom I decided to reserve for this--practicing staying with a whole record seems like a pretty good way to work on focusing attention, so I bought a few extra bits of gear to get set up yesterday after that first session, because it was "walking out" of there that I had this notion of a record being a very "me" way to practice alongside the guided stuff.
So today I started on my new practice (confused and limited though it may be in coming days, I'm at least holding myself to the parts I can definitely manage). The mind-body connection was something I'd certainly already been aware of, in the sense that I know how tense I get when anxious, and I often work to relax it. But the idea--especially merging with that parallel stream of "noting"--of not holding it against myself was at least semi-novel. The guided reminders not to judge my practice were nice, and they were good reminders, but the best thing about them is they were one of those assurances that I've had myself on a good path in general, but have needed some help.
So I added in something else I'd been contemplating--picking up Lazerbeak's mindfulness journal I've had hanging around to take seriously (the crystals? Not so much. Crystals are neat and all, but, nope--too far) and I wrote into it a sort of collapse of ideas and advice: my therapist wants me to try positive mantras, so I wrote one in there. And then I wrote the numbers for what he suggested when he wrote an intro to the thing before sending it to me: three things I'm grateful for every day.
So my mantra today is: "It's okay if she doesn't want all of me. I still have value--even to her."
That may seem somewhat self-defeating or something, but the greatest struggles I have relate to believing I have value to others, and something like removing a romantic relationship definitely sets off my anxieties and fears in the extreme about what value I could possibly have. So using that anchor of that specific person is helpful to focus the idea: to say, "Yep, even to the person you least suspect, you can have value. Even without a romantic partnership."
It still turned out a little odd--I'm sort of stuck on the fact that I'm still willing to offer all of myself, feel like that might actually be of value, and I can't quite put my finger on why the idea felt like something to remind myself of. It was almost like it was what I thought I was supposed to think, I guess? But probably not--so, continuing onward with it!
I actually didn't mean to write this much, but I guess I'm introducing myself to all of this, and to my hypothetical reader (who presumably doesn't exist) so it's all good.
I want to use this space to use another daily "three-list": the things I appreciate about myself. I think it's more to practice being open about it than it is to practice thinking it--eight years of general solitude means losing your mind or finding it, and I felt like I found mine, but affirming that to others (however hypothetical and presumably non-existent!) is what's new/difficult still. So here we go:
- The way that I am open to new experiences, and open to my inexpert practice (at least by myself!). I didn't feel like I "can't" meditate, or that I would fail at it, and accepted that I was only going to be as good as I am right now--and that it's a practice and work, and it's going to take time
- How I can improve this is recognizing that even the "doing it wrong" bits aren't permanent--judging myself for tension and anxiety or thinking I'm failing to focus on my breathing aren't signs that I'm setting off on the wrong path, they're just stops or speedbumps along the right one.
- The desire to appreciate the things around me--especially exhibited in the decision to find my own way to focus and meditate, not as a replacement that might let me deny the parts I need help with, but as an indicator of having been open to the idea, and how I'm making it my own.
- How I can improve this is...working more on my focus =) I was drifting a lot, but working on bringing myself back kindly.
- The willingness to forgive myself for smaller "transgressions". This is not something new, but things I appreciate don't have to be (neither of the above is new, really!). When I decided 2 sides into the record that I wanted to move furniture around my newly-christened "meditation/quiet room", I had some moments of frustration that I was failing to focus, then decided it was okay, and it didn't mean I was going to refuse to focus forever, and maybe this would help me feel comfortable long term, rather than indicating I'd want to move everything around every time.
- How I can improve this is recognizing these "transgressions" as acceptable more quickly and more openly. I don't need to not get up and move around: I put my time in with the guided sessions, and this is my time for my form of focus. If I focus on something different, I'm still focused.
Until tomorrow, my friends!
Today's record: Expert Knob Twiddlers by Mike & Rich
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