Mindfulness Day 15 (Also belated!)

Well, I'm not going to complain about this one for sure: I missed out on entering this last night due to the volume of socializing I was doing--first a video chat (since we're all sheltered-in-place) with her and her friends, then the film club chat, followed by catching up with some friends and some strangers, followed finally by returning to the video chat with her and her friends. Was pretty tired by the time the West Coast was tired for sure, so off to bed it was!

The morning, I was stuck, of course, with Jeff Warren's title: "Evenflow". Stuck, that is, with hearing Pearl Jam immediately...

It was good as a concept, sort of fit with the kind of thing I have tried to do with "me"-ditation (and varying levels of success therein!). I tried to apply it to a few things over the day, but my regular tussles with "Force discipline" vs. "Accept my free-floating nature" left me going ahead and re-arranging the basement for movie-watching mid-movie.

I decided to find a kind, direct way to tell her about how I was still experiencing feelings, and did my best to do exactly that--no solid signals from the other end, but trust is one of those things I'm working on, so I just kind of ran with it as is.

• I appreciate that I am someone who wanted to find the right balance between expressing myself and respecting someone I care about. It meant being more at peace with my feelings for and around her, even where there's the scary bits of them not being accepted, or not being readily accepted, or maybe even them being silently accepted.
• I can improve on this by making sure I keep an eye on that kind of sharing--not brutal discipline to control it, but honing and refining, so that the edge of them remains sharp and direct, rather than flattening and dulling, which always seems to go worse for recipients--and me as a sender, when they don't actually cut through! =)
• I appreciate that I was able to find, yesterday, the comfort and strength to be more open in conversations with a lot of strangers. I had confidence in my sense of humour, even when it wasn't landing with people, in the way that I do when I'm around people I feel comfortable and in-place with. It was pretty great! =)
• I can improve on this by remembering that it's not that big a deal: I don't tell malicious or cruel jokes, so the worst that happens is people don't think I'm funny, maybe even think I'm annoying. But if others don't, is that the worst loss? How can I be funny/fun/whatever to everyone, anyway?
• I appreciate that I found time for many things yesterday, but also let myself do the things I most wanted to do, even when it meant giving up other things I wanted to do. Being able to comfortably prioritize is a hard-won skill, and I felt comfortable with all of it yesterday: even when I decided to leave the other-voicechat to go back to hers, it wasn't tangled in the sense of "Oh no! I'm abandoning things!" nor in the "Oh god I need to get over to that one or I'll miss everything!" It just seemed like a good time to just have a conversation, and be in a good place to build comfort levels for myself--outside games where I've got that greater risk of feelings of inferiority.
• I can improve on this by keeping aware of my own feelings, accepting them as they are, but not letting them drive or control me too much. If I just really feel like switching gears: switch gears! If I feel like switching gears because I'm afraid, I need to stop and think about what I actually want to do--whether I'm happy with being where I am, or whether I also want to switch gears behind the fear.

Today's Album: Fool the Wise by It's Not Not