It was still a nice start to the day (er, sorta--I do it a chunk into the morning I guess!) and gave me some things to think about as the day went on. Trying to pause was something I did without having a term for it, and patience is something I was explicitly already trying for: I'm doing a Lego set one numbered-bag-set a day, which has been pretty trying the last two days as I build...a sheet of water. Over two days. Yikes. Still! Didn't use that as an excuse to add another bag!
But being patient with myself was something else again. It was a good lesson for the day (slash last few days...) as I'm still absolutely desperate to reach out to her. It's driving me totally bananas that I could be spending time with her and I'm not. I mean, not that I'd be spending every night talking to her, but even those brief moments of contact with a person you care about are worth something, right? Right.
Anyway!
I had a beer with dinner, which happened to disprove my prior theory that alcohol inherently screws up my ability to concentrate--I was actually pretty stressed (see above about contact) and then calmed down a bit, but really calmed down when I sat and listened to the day's record. This time I chose it with the assistance of crowd-sourcing and spreadsheets, which turned out interestingly...
I'm still bargaining with myself on what deviations are possible (What if I set up work time? What if I just sent a message that was non-committal and said nice things I'm feeling? What if I just re-emphasized that I can be reached out to if she needs it? What if I just sent her a text Friday to ask her if she wanted to chat when I'm "back"?) so it's still trying, and means a lot of work on various senses of patience at this point...
But work continues!
It has to, because my goals are my own, and regardless of the outcomes (however optimistic I might be--and might even be letting myself be...), I intend to be better with it than I am now, whatever that amounts to. More prepared, more stable. I mean, I'm already more stable than I used to be, so there's that.
- I appreciate my flexibility. I had decided against alcohol for the week, thinking it caused issues, but decided to non-judgmentally have a single beer. It turned out fine, and I didn't admonish myself for making a different choice as time went on. A very fine line right now, if one reads above =)
- I can improve on this by continuing to refine and understand where and when that flexibility is valuable, and choosing to exercise it more patiently with myself.
- I appreciate that I can learn something new, and push past old, resistant cynicism: when I hear some of the phrases and concepts in the ongoing guided meditation, sometimes I get mildly annoyed, or I can hear a distant call for less silly langauge--but I set that aside and keep my mind open, not for agreeing with the phrases or whatever that bother me, but for the value in the ideas they represent--and how I can find what is actually good and important within them. The kinds of patience, or pausing--not ignoring what she's saying and choosing something arbitrary, but following the spirit closely to get to what is valuable to me.
- I can improve on this by practicing this open mind with other frustrating situations, especially when "higher stakes" like work. I'm already trying!
- I appreciate that I'm a person who feels capable of love without the return of it. Right now and for days I've been experiencing the feeling of love that has been pretty hard for me in life. And I'm doing it without getting a clear signal back--at best, I'm working on my own internal sense of trust. It's building even greater optimism, and it feels nice.
- I can improve on this by being careful about the fragility of that feeling for myself: by not letting anything else pollute or intrude, especially anything like dread, negativity, or pessimism.
Today's Album: Cry Is for the Flies by Le Butcherettes
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