I did my meditation sessions way earlier in the day--the early-middle of the workday, no less--so I actually don't recall much about the ideas within them, and this seems like a decent enough time to practice not having to be completely correct and specific in all things, so I shan't go check!
I know the anxiety one was about letting go of thoughts way more--which is definitely a good chunk of the struggle for someone who has built up the already restless nature of the mind into an omnipresent tornado, but that just means it's that much more a good idea for me.
I chose a sideways mantra from my sessions: "Every thought, especially the ones based in fear, is just that: a thought."
It felt like maybe the wrong one as the day went on and I felt tension over the kinds of things I've always struggled with, things like fearing that taking a break from my loved one would leave them realizing they didn't actually want me around--but I decided to both stick with the mantra I chose and try and work with those thoughts. After all, that's why it's kind of "sideways": not quite dismissal of thoughts in general, not quite the selection of that specific one that kept sneaking up on me.
I spent the whole album today for my "me-ditating" (heh) being pretty still, and trying to live in the moment of the music. I did think it worked better as an album choice this time, too. I'm going to keep experimenting with how to go about that part. After all, I'm basically choosing my own guide...!
- I appreciate that I recognize progress as progress. I didn't hold it against myself when thoughts would still trickle and flood in. And when it felt a bit too abrupt that I let them go (more disruptive than I feel like it "should" be), I didn't admonish myself, I just noted that and tried to relax more next time.
- I can improve on this by trying to step further away from thoughts so that they're easier to notice coming and going, rather than having them leap all the way "into" me before I'm even aware.
- I appreciate that I've learnt discipline over the years: my itch to start on the next step of the Lego set I bought is still there, but it doesn't feel nearly so intense, and I trust that I'll actually be able to make this thing last 19 (!) days.
- I can improve on this by trying to apply that same sense of discipline to the much scarier stuff: keeping to my agreement with myself not to contact her, not to prove a point, but to learn to be a person who can better handle that in general.
- I appreciate that I can get caught up in work, and even enjoy myself, and often find the things I get most caught up in are the things that people end up appreciating most as well. I'll end up working way late and not mind, and that's double appreciation.
- I can improve on this one in two ways:
- I can actually try to keep myself from working too late, and spread that joy in work around, but try to keep it from being a forced ending, or something that will make me feel like I lost a "flow"
- I can try to apply the same mentality to the things I don't immediately recognize as enjoyable, or that leave me with some trepidation at starting.
And on to the next one!
Today's record: Rock Action by Mogwai
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