Mindfulness Day 36

• I appreciate that I convinced my ass to just get up and run this morning. It was good!
• I can improve this by doing my best to get up most mornings!
• I appreciate that I found a good dinner solution for myself that pleased me
• I can improve this by making sure that I do in fact spread out these dinners =)
• I appreciate that I decided to just drop a subject instead of pursuing the exact truth of the argument
• I can improve this by letting more dumb arguments go!

Mindfulness Day 35

• I appreciate that I reached out kindly this morning
• I can improve this by choosing to reach out kindly to others and more often
• I appreciate that I have left things alone since this morning
• I can improve this by continuing to let things sit
• I appreciate that I am possibly finding the space where I recognize that some people are not as good as they seem
• I can improve this by continuing this internal investigation, and respecting myself in the process

Today's Album: As Plantas Que Curam by Boogarins

Mindfulness Day 34

• I appreciate that I found a way to work in headache relief in a nap
• I can improve this by maybe not pushing myself so long as to leave it active for hours =)
• I appreciate that I was managing multiple issues, was ready to handle a presentation, and was generally up for it all despite the headache today
• I can improve this by keeping myself on my toes regularly!
• I appreciate that I am considering, at least, just scheduling the dang time and letting her move it around
• I can improve this by going ahead and doing it ;)



Today's Album: Summer Is Gone by Bill Baird

Mindfulness Day 33

• I appreciate that I went ahead and finished the first volume of Judge Dredd. Yay progress! =)
• I can improve this by trying not to spread my fun so thin!
• I appreciate that I was able to contend happily with the shifting delivery schedules throughout the week!
• I can improve this by practicing accepting this silliness, even during normal times!
• I appreciate that I just said "forget all that" to the "But it was too late..." comments
• I can improve this by figuring out how to push those frustrations off entirely

Today's Album: Travels with Myself and Another by Future of the Left

Mindfulness Day 32

• I appreciate that I let myself go the whole dang day without writing this, and didn't worry too much about it.
• I can improve on this by probably managing my time a little better =)
• I appreciate that I went ahead with my next idea for a "daily project", and should have more to post for a good while now
• I can improve on this by thinking of more things I might like to do this with!
• I appreciate that I was pretty calm and rational throughout the conversation I had last night, despite the difficulty of it all
• I can improve on this by...letting it all go, honestly, and just accepting that she's not good with people at a distance and won't be.

Today's Album: Motionless by Chokebore

Mindfulness Day 31

Christ.

That was the hardest, most painful pair of sessions there was.

Both were about feeling connected to everything else--the thing I simply don't feel at all anyway

Tried to practice it again in the evening, I was a little too tired and took a nap afterward instead. Oops!

• I appreciate that I was willing to take the nap and even disrupt the last bit of my session to do it. 'Twas quite kind to myself =)
• I can improve on this by trying to keep my sleep schedule more regular
• I appreciate that I decided to finish off Fire and Stone completely--and let myself have my negative response openly =)
• I can improve on this by keeping up with my intentions and desire to finish things!
• I appreciate that I slept in the next morning to make sure I got enough rest
• I can improve on this by working on my sleep schedule as always =)

Today's Album: Put on Fresh Paint by Husking Bee

Mindfulness Day 30

• I appreciate that I was able to process and respond to a frustrating concept in what felt like a calm, clear, constructive way
• I can improve this by verifying it is constructive and adjusting as necessary
• I appreciate that I was able to get two whole movies in, and really enjoyed the hell out of the second one
• I can improve this by trying to remember how much I value the time I spend on movies =)
• I appreciate that I was comfortable with a conversation that was very debate-y, and kept it reasonable
• I can improve this by participating in the healthier debates that crop up!

Today's Album: Switch by Golden Earring

Mindfulness Day 29

On and on into the outer realms we go. (I have no useful general thoughts =)

• I appreciate that I recognized my frustration talking to my dad, even if I didn't know what to do with it at the time.
• I can improve on this by taking the moment to figure out what to do with it =)
• I appreciate that I was at peace with things by the end of the night, in terms of my plans and implemented them nicely!
• I can improve on this by trying to find the right plans and stick with them, maintaining the flexibility I enjoy in the right amount alongside it
• I appreciate that I was able to think about and sit with the mood that came on me late, the sort of melancholic one.
• I can improve on this by continuing to recognize those moods and find the space where I'm neither rejecting nor capitulating to them

Today's Album: Tarantella by Railhed

Mindfulness Day 28

I've got less to say (today) I think, so I'll scale back to the defined stuff:

• I appreciate that I found the time and space to be social!
• I can improve on this by recognizing the value of those times and taking them up!
• I appreciate that I made a more conscious decision to put this off last night, rather than feeling pushed up against things and giving up/in.
• I can improve on this one by keeping myself in that same self-grace
• I appreciate that I was patient and open to some of the things I heard in a phone call yesterday that I might otherwise dismiss as silly
• I can improve on this by taking the moment to pause when those thoughts occur even more often

Today's Album: Kali Yuga Bizarre by Aborym

Mindfulness Day 27

Maybe I should make this a "next morning" task...

Yesterday was about trying to use and expand space and spatial awareness as a means of understanding things. Seemed all right overall.

• I appreciate that I was having a difficult time with Agætis Byrjun (oddly enough!) but stuck with it for all four sides.
• I can improve on this by keeping myself calm and in-the-moment for even the difficult times
• I appreciate that I was able to find the space to start on Fire and Stone, which I'd been really wanting to do! =)
• I can improve on this by respecting the boundaries and goals I set for myself--and modifying them as the situation demands.
• I appreciate that I got a head start on Sentinels of Freedom, even with its oddities and vagaries, so that I can really give it a go.
• I can improve on this by evaluating such things, doing my best to avoid "sunk cost" investments, but also accepting them if they work out okay!

Today's album: Agætis Byrjun by Sigur Rós

Mindfulness Day 26

Today was on "Slow motion": trying to fully relax and take things at the speed they actually move at, rather than the hurried rush of "efficiency" and "productivity" and so on. I sometimes suspect I may already be a little too good at that one... 0=)

The "daily calm" was on kindness and extending it, which I perhaps took more directly to heart given the context overall

I asked her about joint meditation, and so we did, and she thanked me for trying it with her afterward--sounded a bit like the tone of "too bad it didn't work", but methinks a large lesson here is to simply take it as it is, or maybe it's even to say, "Yep. That's what happened." and move on to make a decision (if one is warranted, anyway!) based on that.

• I appreciate that I've been handling the regular comments and curiosity about my collection with aplomb and graciousness. Fun inquiries and thoughts abound =)
• I can improve on this by working on that first "thank you" that I so often dodge...
• I appreciate that I came up with the idea for the joint meditation, and that I chose to share it. It wasn't necessarily the immediate instinct, but the thoughts of recent lessons brought it forward.
• I can improve on this...by working on the hard questions about what to do with urges related to her and what my realizations about the past mean. Over time!
• I appreciate that I've found myself some form of system for this Indicator sale--not an ideal system, but a system nonetheless!
• I can improve on this by letting more sales go... =)

Today's Album: Good for Your Soul by Oingo Boingo

Mindfulness Day 25

Dang, I am not good at remembering this one =)

(Yesterday) was about acceptance: welcoming new sensations to the current moment of experience without judgment, but not as a means of tolerance, so much as understanding the reality of things. This felt like a pretty solid technique to add: openly welcoming those difficult things to confront them head on feels like a nice way to resolve my struggles with how to let them "just be" or what have you.

• I appreciate that I was able to line up my schedule properly to get the week's movie watched! A small feat to some I suppose, but I felt pretty good about getting the timing all correct for it =)
• I can improve on this by continuing to solidify my scheduling methodology to align with my own preferences for how to deal with time
• I appreciate that I'm feeling excited about starting Fire and Stone and Life and Death quite a bit, even if I continue to put it off to resolve other things. Even that putting off has its own nice elements, so good all around =)
• I can improve on this by recognizing the things I find fun and exciting and letting myself feel those things!
• I appreciate that I was willing to reach out past my frustrations and try to address some seeming hurt or apology on her end for something I was unconcerned by, to recognize how she might've seen it nonetheless.
• I can improve on this...by accepting the total silence some may offer in return! It's difficult, but if I don't expect it, maybe I can get better at just letting it be.

Today's Album: Firebird by Tomita

Mindfulness Day 24

Today it was "the waxy build-up": the idea of the small irritations that build up over time, and trying to disrupt those from being cumulative without losing the legitimacy of irritation. This was definitely a good one for me. It led me to reconsider some of my Facebook unfollowing--good practice for these things, yeah? Probably =)

• I appreciate that I came to some negative conclusions today and didn't just become ultra negative about it. Realizing something like poor treatment and not sinking into despair, seeking revenge, or otherwise--that's an achievement, I think!
• I can improve on this by continuing to understand these things and keep myself balanced in doing so.
• I appreciate that I started conversations explaining my feelings and realizations with three people and didn't turn any straight to whinging or the like--at least as far as I'm concerned =)
• I can improve on this by making sure I manage my socialization enough to keep it alive!
• I appreciate that I managed my own expectations very well for my plans for the evening. I'm still not sure what exactly I'll follow this up with, but we'll see =)
• I can improve on this by continuing to stay calm when contemplating plans to keep them reasonable and myself pleased with their range of options.

Today's Album: Necromance by Sunshine

Mindfulness Day 23

Today was about, well, acceptance I think is actually most accurate. Letting everything "just be", and all that good stuff. It felt pretty solid, but the daily calm was surprisingly the good one: the concept of mudita. Apparently one of four heavily cultivated meditative/life states (I'm gonna broadly paraphrase: I'm the only one reading this, and later me can always look this up!), it's the idea of extending joy to others, even and especially when one is not necessarily in a personally joyful state. It was a good thought and exercise to work at this--it's not a foreign concept or anything, but choosing to do it actively was new in the way that much of this has been. Cultivating these senses actively instead of reactively.

• I appreciate that I've spent the day generally alone, and been okay with it. Seems I've found a measure of peace with it all. And an acceptance that it may be impermanent =)
• I can improve on this one by remembering to accept as much as I can, good and bad. 
• I appreciate that I went forward with my sense of humour, taking a selfie with my "significant other" (my horror blu-rays, natch!) and that it spread a decent bit of joy as people found it =)
• I can improve on this by remembering that my sense of humour may misfire, but I know it's not malicious, so it's okay even if it does!
• I appreciate that I found a lot of joy in today's album. Things remembered, and being able to feel the interesting tones of Patterson's songs felt really good =)
• I can improve on this by always looking for those joys--even in the darker things (of which this album has plenty!)

Today's Album: Murdering Oscar (and Other Love Songs) by Patterson Hood

Mindfulness Day 22

The socializing days are pretty bad for keeping up with this it seems! Probably doesn't help that they end with West Coast folks two hours off from me...

[Yesterday's] lesson was about the "roller coaster" of life, and sitting through any and all of it. It was a good session as a practice, and let me work a little more on using sound as a homebase. Which may well be a desire more than a practicality... =)

• I appreciate that I didn't hold it against myself that I slept into the discussion yesterday--I really needed that rest, and would've been much worse off forcing myself up earlier. Would've been nice to be up in time, but I am actually glad I didn't have the anxiety of internal alarm clocks =)
• I can improve on this by trying to get the rest in where I can, and hopefully in a more organized/regular fashion!
• I appreciate that I found some relaxation rather than dread in realizing that very possibly I'm hoping for something nonsensical or that I don't actually want. It feels like some form of progress, even if I still feel rather in flux on it.
• I can improve on this one by continuing to explore my own feelings on the subject, and see if it is transient or a consistent sense of things.
• I appreciate that I was pretty good at keeping my mind open when I started watching The Conspirator, even as bits and pieces felt misfire-y thus far (until I decided to nap =)
• I can improve on this by keeping my mind reasonably open, not so much that I don't have opinions, but to let more data in before making determinations where it makes sense.

Today's Album: State of Euphoria by Anthrax

Mindfulness Day 21

So today was a deeper look into using spatial awareness for homebase--sound and what have you. I still don't feel like I've wrapped my brain around the "expected" "how" of it, but it sincerely feels like maybe the right approach for me. I guess we'll see as time goes on--sometimes it feels like maybe it's clicking, then doesn't seem to actually hold focus. Not even in "oops, got distracted!" sense, just not there even "in the moment". Hm!

• I appreciate that I am working extremely hard right now not to be any form of upset over missing a text from her 23 minutes ago that was about chatting tonight =) It's a good practice, probably: I've got the rational part of my brain engaged alongside the rest, and it's making valid points. I'm simultaneously working on finding the core calm if I can. Clearly, gonna take some practice... x.x
• I can improve on this by...well, keeping at it. I don't enjoy this feeling or this reaction, so finding peace with the emotion while losing the worry and stress would be really nice...!
• I appreciate that I started getting things moving around the house again. Got a decent chunk of tracksuits hung up, Beatles boxes moved into appropriate storage...all around doing all right! Down to only 20 or so artists to get hometowns for, too!
• I can improve on this by keeping some tasks moving every day, and giving myself grace on not finishing them when I fail to do so!
• I appreciate that I remembered tracksuit Friday this time, and so, apparently did a lot of other people =)
• I can improve on this by...maybe setting reminders, I guess? I dunno!

Today's Album: The Slow Crack by Steve Kilbey

Mindfulness Day 20 (Belated!)

Late again! whoops!

Yesterday I got super time-cramped, managed to only get in one guided session (on better body awareness), but still got in the album. I don't have much to comment on this one I guess--I did get something more out of this, I think, by looking at internal still points. That was kinda nice!

• I appreciate that I was able to comfortably balance my schedule, including my decision to run in the morning. I didn't hold it against myself that I slipped on getting the guided sessions in, because I got in the one I think is most valuable to me.
• I can improve on this by continuing to find that balance between adhering to a schedule and leaving myself some freedom: finding my sweet spot =)
• I appreciate that I was able to come up with a concrete idea for how to approach my album-selection-adjustment (going to region, as planned!) and a timeline for it that felt like the right mix of aggressive and relaxed.
• I can improve on this by applying comparable principles to other plans--like setting myself reminders for doing some of this stuff, which I did =)
• I appreciate that I am a person who can let someone come to me to vent or unload and remain non-judgmental, even as I balance differing perspectives--whether it's theirs and who they're talking about, or mine and theirs!
• I can improve on this by keeping myself available and attentive when people need someone to talk to =)

Today's Album: Renegade by Thin Lizzy

Mindfulness Day 19

Today it was "Sanity day": pulling oneself explicitly out of the bubble of those random thoughts, be they imagery or "words" that clutter the mind. The exercise is, it seems, stressful for many--it was a bit for me, but mostly it was actually kind of a relief! It was a chance to point at those things and know what the heck to do with them. I was aware of how chattery my brain is, but this actually helped me see even more than I realized..

• I appreciate that I was able to see something I didn't see on a revisitation today. When I noticed just those few words: "I feel" in response to a question, it dawned on me that I had missed that it was intended to answer my question, despite how far out of left field it felt like on my end. Minor revelation that I actually felt =)
• I can improve on this by trying to keep my mind open when things don't fit or make sense to me: looking for the ways they do make sense, or might make sense!
• I appreciate that I was able to pivot pretty well once I made that realization. I adjusted to the idea of words being too weird or foreign or complex or meaningless or whatever it might be, and went on with the things that made sense on her end. An adjustment to be certain, but one I was able to grapple with.
• I can improve on this by looking for more ways to interpolate different communication styles from my own, or learn how to adjust mine to make sense.
• I appreciate that I found a good solid schedule this evening. Wasn't perfect, but I'm done with all the big stuff a lot earlier than most other nights--which is good, considering I'm still feeling pretty toasted from all of the last few nights and their weird schedules. Should hopefully be up for running tomorrow!
• I can improve on this by trying to keep my schedule more consistent and looking for the spaces for it to fit, rather than floating so freely through it all that I end up goofing myself up in the long run.

Today's Album: Andrew Bird & the Mysterious Production of Eggs by Andrew Bird

Mindfulness Day 18

So, today it was "electric clarity": an emphasis on the feeling of snapping back to homebase. Semi-ironically, I suppose, this was the day my brain was not great at it--even moreso, it would meander, or sliiiide back to homebase, rather than snapping, today. Kind of, "Wait, what? Oh yeah, homebase, yeah..." instead of "Oops, homebase, my friend!"

A good lesson, though: embracing the jump back, as that was something I felt "bad" about a lot--was I letting thoughts pass and gently releasing whenever I snapped backward? Maybe not! Hopefully not! Sounds like not! =)

• I appreciate that I was able to take my moments on realizing things weren't working right in my body/mind/brain/eye/things (some flashes in the peripheral of my right eye), I just set stuff down and went to go sleep it off as best I could. I'm not certain that's what I needed, but I decided that was what felt right and I ought to do for the situation, so I was able to do it guilt-free. Even if maybe it was brought on by my own weird sleep schedule lately--I did it for the right reasons!
• I can improve on this by trying to keep myself on a better sleep schedule as is =) I thought about this a bit today, and I think I'll let the Lego set go for the night, deciding it's more important to get the rest than maintain that schedule. Only benefits, really: that means more time to enjoy it when I have time!
• I appreciate that I was able to focus more on work today: I got a lot more done on my primary project of requirements, and that felt pretty good.
• I can improve on this by pushing for that feeling, by focusing on the work I need to get done, rather than slipping into avoidance in procrastination: figuring out what the heck it is that keeps me so far away from it when I tend to actually enjoy it once it gets going.
• I appreciate that I really take a lot of joy from the media I find interesting: that I like sharing all of it and wanting the rest of the world to understand what is so lovely and joyous and great about it all.
• I can improve on this by focusing less on whether others notice all the time, and more on the times that they do.

Today's Album: Cult des Hasses by Acheron

Mindfulness Day 17

Welp, writing this the next day as the day got away from me again, though I opened and started it (well, I wrote the subject...) yesterday.

Today it was about staying still in the eye of the hurricane--it included something that actually fit with previous notions, actually. Jeff had us imagining a central line that built with glow with each inhale, and slid back down with each exhale. This was actually rather like my (as I recall, quite successful!) sound-based (me making it, that is) practice a while ago, where I was imagining logs fed through a saw to fit the noise, starting from full and whittling down through the exhale. It was pretty helpful, as my brain seems to like the mind's eye view as a focal point, so I was pretty pleased.

• I appreciate that, despite an emotional reaction, I was able to pull my brain out of it and think through things. It wasn't perfect (as I was caught doing it, I guess), but I was still getting there. Something near where I actually want to be myself. So: nice!
• I can improve on this by continuing to practice and finding that point of calm--and maybe practice finding it in those moments more quickly, instead of being dragged by external events to wherever I end up.
• I appreciate that I was patient with myself through that experience: even though I knew I'd had that strong emotional reaction and probably reacted with it a bit, I moved forward and tried to keep finding my way outside of it. The grace of having "fallen for it" first thing was not unheeded or unsent. Well done, me =)
• I can improve on this by remembering it's not a crime to "fall for it", or a failing. It's just something I want to improve, and practice makes perfect and all that!
• I appreciate that I accepted my timeline last night meant I was not going to get in a run this morning, and that I think I've got myself focused enough today to make sure everything gets done in time to get me to bed early enough to do it.
• I can improve on this by making sure I do, in fact, get stuff done tonight--and not hold it against myself if something else becomes more important in the moment =)

Today's Album: !!! by !!!

Mindfulness Day 16

Today, Jeff spoke of "the still point": a mental point of total stillness. This seemed like a nice thing--and he suggested a variety of locations, such as a very still part of the body, or the moment while holding a breath. Oddly, I felt like I could focus on a space sort of in front of me and find greater stillness. I could feel thoughts like, "Uh, wait, is this like...denying my body or something? Is this okay?" fighting through, but decided to discard them and hold the feeling. It was interesting as for a moment around my heart felt right, but then my brain sort of slid "forward" and I went "Woah, that's even quieter."

I ended up finding something similar during "me"-ditation, and really held to it...but I think I was possibly slipping in and out of consciousness as I sat there. Still not completely sure, but I was hella-relaxed afterward, so I'll take it!

• I appreciate that when I had a thoroughly heart-pounding moment, I didn't try to still my heart, but tried to look through the feelings and the reactions. the interesting part of those is that so much of the time I'm not certain what's actually underlying it--I mean, here it was paranoid jealousy, which is nothing new, but every time I try to dig through that feeling, I come up like...well, I have the image of something I've read or seen where someone is digging through something and at the end, they just have scraps of the thing around them, and never found anything else. Like trying to find what's hiding in the center of an onion, perhaps. Still, I got an external signal that calmed me--I was a little disappointed I didn't have the chance to work through it on my own, but I'm glad I had the mental investment to be willing =)
• I can improve on this by taking the moment next time to actively walk off and look for my center during it, rather than keeping the window open to an external solution for a while.
• I appreciate that I was able to still find joy in The Guyver, despite the fact that I now completely see its limitations and how it simultaneously showed a lot of love for the source material, but also made some choices that were not exactly respectful in tone. Maybe self-justification, but it does at least feel like the "lack of respect" had nothing to do with not respecting the source material at least!
• I can improve on this by continuing to keep my mind open to new experiences, and revisitations of old experience. And remember that, sometimes, it can turn out a thing I liked--I don't like anymore =)
• I appreciate that I stuck with looking for these furniture skates in front of me--and that I didn't admonish myself when I finally remembered where they were. I was just pleased/excited!
• I can improve on this one by, well, continuing to give myself that grace of accepting that I won't always remember where I put stuff if I don't fully intend to. And that's okay!

Today's Album: In 3-D by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Mindfulness Day 15 (Also belated!)

Well, I'm not going to complain about this one for sure: I missed out on entering this last night due to the volume of socializing I was doing--first a video chat (since we're all sheltered-in-place) with her and her friends, then the film club chat, followed by catching up with some friends and some strangers, followed finally by returning to the video chat with her and her friends. Was pretty tired by the time the West Coast was tired for sure, so off to bed it was!

The morning, I was stuck, of course, with Jeff Warren's title: "Evenflow". Stuck, that is, with hearing Pearl Jam immediately...

It was good as a concept, sort of fit with the kind of thing I have tried to do with "me"-ditation (and varying levels of success therein!). I tried to apply it to a few things over the day, but my regular tussles with "Force discipline" vs. "Accept my free-floating nature" left me going ahead and re-arranging the basement for movie-watching mid-movie.

I decided to find a kind, direct way to tell her about how I was still experiencing feelings, and did my best to do exactly that--no solid signals from the other end, but trust is one of those things I'm working on, so I just kind of ran with it as is.

• I appreciate that I am someone who wanted to find the right balance between expressing myself and respecting someone I care about. It meant being more at peace with my feelings for and around her, even where there's the scary bits of them not being accepted, or not being readily accepted, or maybe even them being silently accepted.
• I can improve on this by making sure I keep an eye on that kind of sharing--not brutal discipline to control it, but honing and refining, so that the edge of them remains sharp and direct, rather than flattening and dulling, which always seems to go worse for recipients--and me as a sender, when they don't actually cut through! =)
• I appreciate that I was able to find, yesterday, the comfort and strength to be more open in conversations with a lot of strangers. I had confidence in my sense of humour, even when it wasn't landing with people, in the way that I do when I'm around people I feel comfortable and in-place with. It was pretty great! =)
• I can improve on this by remembering that it's not that big a deal: I don't tell malicious or cruel jokes, so the worst that happens is people don't think I'm funny, maybe even think I'm annoying. But if others don't, is that the worst loss? How can I be funny/fun/whatever to everyone, anyway?
• I appreciate that I found time for many things yesterday, but also let myself do the things I most wanted to do, even when it meant giving up other things I wanted to do. Being able to comfortably prioritize is a hard-won skill, and I felt comfortable with all of it yesterday: even when I decided to leave the other-voicechat to go back to hers, it wasn't tangled in the sense of "Oh no! I'm abandoning things!" nor in the "Oh god I need to get over to that one or I'll miss everything!" It just seemed like a good time to just have a conversation, and be in a good place to build comfort levels for myself--outside games where I've got that greater risk of feelings of inferiority.
• I can improve on this by keeping aware of my own feelings, accepting them as they are, but not letting them drive or control me too much. If I just really feel like switching gears: switch gears! If I feel like switching gears because I'm afraid, I need to stop and think about what I actually want to do--whether I'm happy with being where I am, or whether I also want to switch gears behind the fear.

Today's Album: Fool the Wise by It's Not Not

Mindfulness Day 14 (Belated!)

Hey! So...

I did everything per usual yesterday, but between announcing the new movie for the film club, everyone starting to watch it and thus choosing to watch it myself at the drop of a hat, and the usual lazy stretch of the workday ending--plus dinner, Lego, and, of course, the me-ditation session itself--followed by a return to communication with her...kinda lost the time.

An explanation, not an excuse: I made my choice as she and I talked and I recalled while relaying this habit that I had not done it yesterday. C'est la vie =)

The 30-day concept was "The sweet spot": it was finding a balance between extreme focus/concentration and total relaxation. Seemed like a good concept for me considering a few of the things I've talked about of late--I'm still having trouble settling on a home base (I think I focus better on sound, but the idea starts to make me question whether I could hold onto it in a less-than-ideal environment, or whether it would be effective if I needed to find a homebase in a difficult conversation with a coworker, for instance), and some of that is down to trying to find the right space for concentration vs. relaxation. It's a nuanced space for sure--somewhere between things, and my continuing struggles with relaxing into spacing or even focusing too hard indicate I'm definitely not there yet. Onward and upward, though--can't and legitimately don't expect this to magically work. Maybe hope it will one day =)

(which gets funny: then I'm hoping for an epiphany of mindfulness, which seems like an inherent contradiction!)

• I appreciate that I've been able to ration out the chicken tikka masala, despite it being the perfect flavour/heat preference for me. That's no perfectly mean feat, and it does make me feel way better about the money I'm spending on food here. It doesn't make the cost completely reasonable, of course...but it's better than nothing to be sure!
• I can improve on this with a little greater discipline on making those orders in the first place =)
• I appreciate that I was able to recognize the moments of tension in our conversation last night--on my end, and work my way through them. That was actually quite nice, even when I got unexpectedly frustrated that she thought I was being calm maybe as a "show" (something I even imagined, to some extent!), I didn't berate myself for it, I calmed my newfound frustrations down by accepting that it was frustrating me and moving forward. Still a little herky-jerky, but that felt more like it was real than like I was failing.
• I can improve on this by continuing to focus efforts on really looking for those moments, and also accepting them. It's not wrong for me to be frustrated or jealous or any of those things--it's in letting them control my reactions that I have issues.
• I appreciate that I was also able to stay "calm" for everyone starting on the new movie. I made my decision to go ahead and watch and then stuck to it. That made it all work out pretty nicely for me, down to when it finished and when she messaged me to talk--so it didn't leave me too tense in any direction.
• I can improve on this by continuing to move toward that acceptance of the things beyond my control, and looking for more of the good: if everyone wants to start the movie I picked *early*, well hot dang, right? =)

Today's Album: My Brain Hurts by Screeching Weasel

Mindfulness Day 13

(Day corrected, because it's actually the 13th day, I've been counting poorly)

I've decided on the 30-day with Jeff Warren + the "daily calm", since it's essentially "here's 10-15 to meditate". That way, I'm not inundating myself with methodologies or what have you.

Today, Jeff spoke of the "concentration gym", and pointed to the various "homebases" people use. I know I struggle here: am I trying too hard on one that doesn't work for me? Am I giving up too easily one one that does? So I wander back and forth a lot and it's kind of terrible. I mean, he says right here: pick one and stick with it, whichever feels best, and then just hone it with practice. So, I'm going with hearing, because I think it may actually work pretty well for me. I was tormented by the idea of trying to do it while someone actively tries to talk to me--but that seems a little like searching out a poor circumstance I think, so I'm leaving it be. Obviously, this fits pretty well with my me-ditation of musical listenings every evening anyway!

• I appreciate that sometimes I do have valuable information and I know it--for all those times I feel like I know nothing or am useless or all that other super-helpful stuff, I sometimes really do know what I'm talking about. Today I was actually pretty good about choosing when to interject and provide knowledge--it was for the purposes of moving things forward and getting things established, which I'm kind of proud of.
• I can improve on this with a continued interest in looking for the right times to do it, as well as keeping myself on track to speak up when I know something. Finely tuning the balance to all that is fine, but speak up, me! =)
• I appreciate that I'm a lot more relaxed on a lot of things. My neurosis around strangers has mellowed to some extent: whenever I saw a woman about, I'd get lost in hopes and dreams and such that she'd notice me and I'd get flattered and--actually that was about it, which seemed reasonably harmless, but I'm getting better at just letting whatever is...be. So if she does: neat! If not, so what?
• I can improve on this by keeping a relaxed mind about these things. Trying to push, nudge, or identify a response tends to just sort of burst the bubble like touching it, after all =)
• I appreciate my willingness to keep at running, and try to be smart about it. I ran again today, but I moderated it given how sore I've been lately. That's kind of a two-fer, I guess? I'm glad I'm still on it, but also glad I'm not murdering my legs to death =)
• I can improve on this by making sure I stick with it, and don't kill myself in the process =)

Today's album: Dead Man's Bones by Dead Man's Bones

Mindfulness Day 11

Continuing with 30 days today, it was about friendliness and openness--to others of all kinds, and ourselves.

Uncomfortably close to therapy recommendations, but I soldiered through. I did find it most difficult to apply friendly feelings to myself. Even as I was told to pick someone I struggle with after someone I obviously cared about--and I strode off into the darker regions, mind you--I wasn't having much trouble. But when I was supposed to turn positive feelings over to myself...? Would that my brain could manufacture its own cricket noises... =)

Still: decided to re-apply it a few times during the day, and threw in the suggested mantra (self-directed) for my mantra a day or so after my existing backlog of pre-written ones (I kinda liked the idea, as a bunch were coming to me from movies, lyrics, thoughts, etc, of having them to look at each day, rather than come up with them--we'll see how that goes when I start running down/out...)

• I appreciate that I'm trying to be more open and friendly with folks now. Accepting a compliment from a cashier, talking to my neighbours and waving hello as I went out for supplies this evening. I'm also trying to relax my reflexive notes of frustration with the people who, well, frustrate me.
• I can improve on this by moving further on the frustrating folks, but also working on returning things. The cashier said they liked my style: I liked theirs as well, but thought to say this only after I left, so simultaneously flattered and taken aback was I. I mean, I drifted their way because I liked theirs in the first place, so I stopped thinking about it.
• I appreciate that I'm still wrestling with my feelings and "rightness", "wrongness", and the space between them. I don't have a definitive idea for these in more complex situations, and I appreciate that, while also appreciating that somewhere in there I do have strong feelings, which I'm willing to break apart and examine for their sources and origins.
• I can improve on this by continuing to think and ruminate on how such things work or could work. Not exactly a new plan, but the plan all the same =D
• I appreciate that I'm really letting myself enjoy all the various conversations with people about all kinds of stuff by interacting instead of hiding from everything that's difficult. It is making time pass happily and a hell of a lot easier.
• I can improve on this by starting and participating in even more conversations, following those periodic impulses rather than falling back reflexively to the ease of not bothering.

Today's Album: Wreck by Unsane