Mindfulness Day 10

Thought my day count was getting weird, then realized I forgot to write anything Sunday night. Whoops. Day counts adjusted!

I'm finding myself struggling more with some albums to keep my attention focused, so that's interesting. I also find my posture sagging, which I know is a general problem for me. Not sure if it's something to work on here, or whether it's "inevitable" here or what. Hmm.

Acceptance is definitely the other bit--even before I had the "guides" suggesting it, it was something I was trying to do, but finding the space between reveling and rejecting where accepting exists has been difficult for sure. I did get some extra practice today with something that felt like bad news (that was practice in-and-of itself, really: looking at the news itself, trying to accept it and so on) so that helped--I think?

• I appreciate that I am learning that greater acceptance, in some situations if not others. That I'm still striving to let things in and move around, so that I can really accept some of the things that I know I need to for my own sake. The effort alone is meaningful to me.
• I can improve on this by: practicing more! Acceptance remains hard =)
• I appreciate that I've found the fortitude (or whatever it is) to continue with the things I think are important, even when it feels like "the system" suggests I should do otherwise. Work, in particular, has been hitting this theme a lot, and I've been deciding to continue to act on what I think I bring value with, rather than whatever might stumble across my vision.
• I can improve on this by making sure I don't give in to the despairing kind of acceptance where I feel impotent ant pointless, simply because some rules or whatnot have told me I'm not supposed to do the valuable thing no one else is doing either.
• I appreciate that I feel like I'm working toward a positive balance in being able to recognize my flaws and the difficulties that don't stem entirely from myself. This being a pretty high-up goal, I'm happy I feel like there's been progress on it.
• I can improve on this by trying to keep myself and others in mind as much as possible, and forgiving myself when I goof it up, knowing I'll still be striving to get it right.

Today's Album: Manchild & Myth by Peter Koppes

Mindfulness Day 9

Almost forgot today! Whoops! (and did forget yesterday...)

I ran a bit late on everything since I lost power today, so it all went a bit out of whack.

I continued on the 30-day program of "How to Meditate" and am appreciating the congenial tones of the speaker still. I threw on the "daily calm" and it all worked out pretty nicely. I'm doing better, I think, at remembering to "soft smile" my way through the sessions, hoping (maybe ridiculously, but still doing it!) that it might just fall permanent. (After that, maybe I can start on my posture...)

• I appreciate that I was able to take up running as a new form of cardio exercise in the lands of quarantine, to run myself ragged the first day (with sore quads and everything!), and then to pick it back up the next day.
• I can improve on this by giving myself a dang rest tomorrow. I'm shuffling around like my joints don't work anymore because of how stiff I am. Shouldn't over do it!
• I appreciate that I was able to have a conversation with someone that was more direct than before. I liked the idea of just addressing things and getting them done with--something I've always liked, but was not great at getting to the thrust of out of fear of consequences. It went pretty well! Good on me for giving it a go!
• I can improve on this by keeping it in mind for conversations with others that might be more risky; it's always possible that I can overdo it, so I should also keep in mind the nuances and vagaries of individuals in the process.
• I appreciate that I've taken a sort of shrugging amusement to some of the more confusingly frustrating things that occasionally still wander my brain. It's not dismissal or avoidance (thankfully!), but it is a greater acceptance of why my stance might be confusing to someone else, and thus lead to a completely inverted response--I'm controlling my responding to her, not trying to get a break from her existence, after all.
• I can improve on this one by moderating that amusement, or maybe even by tempering or re-purposing it: letting it bring me through the difficulties and complexities in its levels of shrugging acceptance. Here's hoping!

Today's Album: Fragrant World by Yeasayer

Mindfulness Day 7

Started new programs, given this is actually day 8 (why did I not go to...oh well! numbers matter little!). Poked at the "how to meditate" 30 day program. Seems interesting: a little more personally relevant/derived from this speaker. Felt good that I didn't go, say, "Ugh. 30 days?"--nice to feel the commitment is there.

Also tried a singular step into open-hearted compassion (for oneself, so far as I can see). There were some nice bits in there, including some things I've been trying to remember, like putting a soft smile on my face--I mean, she always commented on them, but that's not the point, it's that maybe I should accept that aiming for it might make it more reflexive, and make me seem more open, or even be more open, or more positive. But it went on and suggested more metaphorical "smiles" all over the place--as a sort of way of understanding or expressing that sense of open-ness throughout myself. Kinda worked in a number of places, even!

The mantra today was "Reality is this moment, not the future." Did okay with it--had to remind myself and grimaced a touch because when I was trying to recall it, it was very relevant...oopsie =)

• I appreciate that I was willing to consider a deliberate smile, and continue to be willing to do so. I've even started trying to do it without a reminder from guidance =)
• I can improve on this by trying to add it in earlier--when I start, say, because then my belief that over time it might make it more reflexive is more likely to see such benefits!
• I appreciate that I was willing to try a new idea by starting a film club with folks via Facebook. I accepted the probable risks (no one responding, no one actually bothering, me giving up early--the usual) and did it anyway, trying to find a nice balance of the possible with the extra efforts necessary. This is something she pointed out to me once--which I definitely took as a bit of a challenge to my perspective. More than I needed to.
• I can improve on this by doing the work to keep it active and doing my part, recognizing that people will fall off here and there, but trying to keep things moving. Not getting too ahead of things though, especially--don't need to inundate people! =)
• I appreciate that I got some stuff done around the place today. Saw some trash gathering as I'm wont to do, and at least got it moving forward and more collected. I also got the new curtains up, tweaked various things here and there to make it all work better, and successfully confused my brain about what time it is with regard to light sources... 0=)
• I can improve on this by keeping things moving forward even past now, by gathering more and getting it all the way to the dumpster, by keeping better track and steady progress instead of fits and starts as best I can!

Today's Album: In/Casino/Out by At the Drive-In

Mindfulness Day 6

Well, today ended the first run of "classes" with Calm.

Calm: Awareness
Calming Anxiety: Befriending Anxiety

A solid session today, it did feel more like treading water concept-wise today, but that was completely fine. Good to practice the already-known stuff, and the "befriending anxiety" was, admittedly, still a little nice: "riding the waves" as she said, was a new concept to throw myself at a bit.

• I appreciate that I am learning to roll with things better--it's not a skill I lacked, but I'm learning to roll with more things than I did previously, and that's really nice. Being able to calm things down is pretty important for me, and I manage to do it better and better as time goes on.
• I can improve on this by keeping the idea of riding waves and staying with myself even in the more difficult moments, and not holding it against myself when I miss them.
• I appreciate that I had two moments (one with the re-appearance of Teresa, another with Matthew) where I fell into old habits--but I recognized it, even if it was afterward, and it kept me aware of things to work on in the future. Being a little obscure in the former, and leaping to shame in the latter--both instinctive, but I did catch them pretty quickly, even if it was after the fact.
• I can improve on this by continuing to not fault myself for it, and by now leaving myself a little more space in moments of varying stress, unease, or uncertainty to have those reactions and not let them be what defines my following actions.
• I appreciate that I'm invested in others. I did reach out to her today--it was some sort of hybrid, work-related-cum-gesture-of-friendliness, and it didn't go so hot. But it was okay! I didn't overreact, I just tried to stay free-and-easy and let my intentions float there freely. Still didn't feel like it got where it needed to in terms of creating a safe space for her to react, but all I can do there is try.
• I can improve on this in a few ways:
• Probably not compromise on my intentions, however much I might feel it's a way to have it both ways, or try to build up things in the "right" places (like work!)
• Let go of more of my words--into the ether, not into the ears of others. Let them speak for themselves, not crowd them with companions.
• Continue to respect my motivations and intentions, even with the above mental notes to keep them maybe restrained and controlled.

Today's Album: Hardcore Friends by Lithuania

Mindfulness Day 5

Today, "calming anxiety" was about pausing and "calm" was about patience (hoo boy!)

It was still a nice start to the day (er, sorta--I do it a chunk into the morning I guess!) and gave me some things to think about as the day went on. Trying to pause was something I did without having a term for it, and patience is something I was explicitly already trying for: I'm doing a Lego set one numbered-bag-set a day, which has been pretty trying the last two days as I build...a sheet of water. Over two days. Yikes. Still! Didn't use that as an excuse to add another bag!

But being patient with myself was something else again. It was a good lesson for the day (slash last few days...) as I'm still absolutely desperate to reach out to her. It's driving me totally bananas that I could be spending time with her and I'm not. I mean, not that I'd be spending every night talking to her, but even those brief moments of contact with a person you care about are worth something, right? Right.

Anyway!

I had a beer with dinner, which happened to disprove my prior theory that alcohol inherently screws up my ability to concentrate--I was actually pretty stressed (see above about contact) and then calmed down a bit, but really calmed down when I sat and listened to the day's record. This time I chose it with the assistance of crowd-sourcing and spreadsheets, which turned out interestingly...

I'm still bargaining with myself on what deviations are possible (What if I set up work time? What if I just sent a message that was non-committal and said nice things I'm feeling? What if I just re-emphasized that I can be reached out to if she needs it? What if I just sent her a text Friday to ask her if she wanted to chat when I'm "back"?) so it's still trying, and means a lot of work on various senses of patience at this point...

But work continues!

It has to, because my goals are my own, and regardless of the outcomes (however optimistic I might be--and might even be letting myself be...), I intend to be better with it than I am now, whatever that amounts to. More prepared, more stable. I mean, I'm already more stable than I used to be, so there's that.

• I appreciate my flexibility. I had decided against alcohol for the week, thinking it caused issues, but decided to non-judgmentally have a single beer. It turned out fine, and I didn't admonish myself for making a different choice as time went on. A very fine line right now, if one reads above =)
• I can improve on this by continuing to refine and understand where and when that flexibility is valuable, and choosing to exercise it more patiently with myself.
• I appreciate that I can learn something new, and push past old, resistant cynicism: when I hear some of the phrases and concepts in the ongoing guided meditation, sometimes I get mildly annoyed, or I can hear a distant call for less silly langauge--but I set that aside and keep my mind open, not for agreeing with the phrases or whatever that bother me, but for the value in the ideas they represent--and how I can find what is actually good and important within them. The kinds of patience, or pausing--not ignoring what she's saying and choosing something arbitrary, but following the spirit closely to get to what is valuable to me.
• I can improve on this by practicing this open mind with other frustrating situations, especially when "higher stakes" like work. I'm already trying!
• I appreciate that I'm a person who feels capable of love without the return of it. Right now and for days I've been experiencing the feeling of love that has been pretty hard for me in life. And I'm doing it without getting a clear signal back--at best, I'm working on my own internal sense of trust. It's building even greater optimism, and it feels nice.
• I can improve on this by being careful about the fragility of that feeling for myself: by not letting anything else pollute or intrude, especially anything like dread, negativity, or pessimism.

Today's Album: Cry Is for the Flies by Le Butcherettes

Mindfulness Day 4

Today, it was the nature of change ("riding the waves of anxiety") and the value of non-doing.

One of those (the former--it's the former) is definitely of value to someone of my nature.

I felt pretty solid with those this morning, I even felt pretty good about it all.

I went through my album later in the day, and since it was a 45rpm pressing, it meant 4 sides--so I alternated different methods to build on what I talked about yesterday--trying to be more consistent and less scattered about my "self-guiding"--and did pretty okay with it.

I decided that, in all of this, I had to start figuring a few other things out. If my goal is to be more calm and centered as an individual because I think that will help me to be the person I want to be, then I have to stop running from some things. So I made a few tweaks here and there to things I've done over time to hide the most difficult things from myself--partly as a means of reminding myself that not everything is the worst thing ever. It meant looking at, even facing some of those things, so that I could carry myself through them. I was reminded that this is something I've done before--but never so knowingly, deliberately, and studiously.

I realize I forgot my mantra in here yesterday, but I can add it in later (I keep that journal--the hand-written kind--upstairs where I meditate).

Today, though, it was pretty straightforward:

If someone loves me now, they can love me on the other side of this.

The kind of thing I need a lot of reminding of, so it made sense.

• I appreciated that this morning I merged some old thoughts and whatnot to find a different focus. I sat up in bed and I started using "the bee" (I believe it's called) to add a drone to my impromptu meditation. I used the sound to focus my concentration on my breathing, imagining a log going through a sawmill to match the sound. It was very helpful at keeping me on track, which was great.
• I can improve on this by continuing to use techniques I learn to find the right space and method for my own needs, and maybe even to apply appropriately for different circumstances. 
• I appreciate that I was able to push past my own resistance tonight, the bland discontentment that suggested I didn't "know what I wanted to do", and instead I pushed forward and threw a movie on to finish out the night. I ended up quite enjoying it, so that was really good of me to nudge myself on.
• I can improve on this by trying to recognize that resistance and sit with it in that moment, and maybe dissolve or disassemble it so that I can better recognize what I'd actually like to do, rather than trying to carry myself into a moment more through force (however passive that was =)
• I appreciate that afterward, my nerves were pretty tightly bound, and the earlier part of the day's recollection that this is a bit of an anniversary (without even being notified!) was enough to set me up, but not to tear me down. I'm still pretty tense right now, and in desperate desire of reaching out to her--and I could, but after my conversation with my therapist yesterday, I think she was right and I need to maintain the boundary I set for my own benefit. Part of what the mantra was for, really--remembering that two weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but still might be enough to make it so that I can appreciate whatever kind of relationship there is on the other side.
• I can improve on this by continuing to work on accepting and living with those feelings, of not letting them control me and push me to give up on my decisions, while also respecting their reality, and also that maybe I could reach out and it would be fine--but that it being "fine" (or even "good") isn't really the point, it's trying to make sure that I don't jump the gun and want so desperately to be with her (in contact, I mean) that I screw up the chance to be happy and comfortable with that state.

Today's Album: The Positives by Person L

Mindfulness Day 3

Like yesterday, my two defined sessions were a lot earlier in the day than now, so they've kinda passed me by a bit at this point. There were some new techniques for how to deal with intrusive thoughts I'm working with--better ways to note those thoughts and release them.

I felt still pretty tense through my secondary "me-ditation" with music, I'd had a surprise therapy session to try to sort out some feelings (not a surprise for me exactly, mind you) and some of that and other things were still floating around--or maybe it was deciding my late dinner should be accompanied by rumchata? It wasn't a ton, but maybe enough to throw me off. Something I'll keep in mind going forward, in any case!

• I appreciated that, even as I was struggling this evening, I kept myself even on the conscious level, and didn't get frustrated at my seeming inability to calm completely
• I can improve on this by working on a more consistent relaxation approach (I was sort of trying various things, which doesn't exactly help!), or by maybe trying to reach out and touch those senses and feelings a little more readily/handily so that I can process them better.
• I appreciate that I was taking a more positive attitude in some of my work conversations today, not even at a super high level, but tipping the last bits around, and working as best I can to make sense of things and appreciate the way things are--without throwing my concerns out the window
• I can improve on this by keeping myself thinking this way, aiming for positive interactions with coworkers and aiming for movement forward, rather than getting mired in the frustrations of the moment.
• I appreciated my decision-making today. I stayed present in a conversation that got increasingly frustrating, but got myself to explain my position without losing my cool entirely--and while making sure I didn't forget my own needs/emotions in the process. I also felt like I got to a reasonable place--with some help, courtesy "emergency therapy"--on a desire to contact her. It wasn't that I even thought it would be bad to contact her, I just didn't want to run the risk of it mirroring impatience and disrupting my decision to take a break to heal myself properly.
• I can improve on this by looking at my decisions further in advance where possible, and trying to head off mounting frustrations sooner, rather than giving in and perpetuating them. Then I don't have to have the frustrated reactions to experience and display
  
  
• I also appreciated that I had sweet, warm thoughts about her that I wanted to share (even if I ended up not doing it) because it felt good for me and toward her. Still kind of wish I could've shared them for that fact, but two weeks is not that long, and it will be a good lesson in trust if I can make it this long--or, hopefully, a good moment to appreciate even an alternate/undesired outcome without her in it.

Today's album: Chulahoma by The Black Keys

Mindfulness Day 2

I'd like to make this another fraction to amuse myself, but I'd also rather just move along through things, so nice flat 2 it is!

I did my meditation sessions way earlier in the day--the early-middle of the workday, no less--so I actually don't recall much about the ideas within them, and this seems like a decent enough time to practice not having to be completely correct and specific in all things, so I shan't go check!

I know the anxiety one was about letting go of thoughts way more--which is definitely a good chunk of the struggle for someone who has built up the already restless nature of the mind into an omnipresent tornado, but that just means it's that much more a good idea for me.

I chose a sideways mantra from my sessions: "Every thought, especially the ones based in fear, is just that: a thought."

It felt like maybe the wrong one as the day went on and I felt tension over the kinds of things I've always struggled with, things like fearing that taking a break from my loved one would leave them realizing they didn't actually want me around--but I decided to both stick with the mantra I chose and try and work with those thoughts. After all, that's why it's kind of "sideways": not quite dismissal of thoughts in general, not quite the selection of that specific one that kept sneaking up on me.

I spent the whole album today for my "me-ditating" (heh) being pretty still, and trying to live in the moment of the music. I did think it worked better as an album choice this time, too. I'm going to keep experimenting with how to go about that part. After all, I'm basically choosing my own guide...!

• I appreciate that I recognize progress as progress. I didn't hold it against myself when thoughts would still trickle and flood in. And when it felt a bit too abrupt that I let them go (more disruptive than I feel like it "should" be), I didn't admonish myself, I just noted that and tried to relax more next time.
• I can improve on this by trying to step further away from thoughts so that they're easier to notice coming and going, rather than having them leap all the way "into" me before I'm even aware.
• I appreciate that I've learnt discipline over the years: my itch to start on the next step of the Lego set I bought is still there, but it doesn't feel nearly so intense, and I trust that I'll actually be able to make this thing last 19 (!) days.
• I can improve on this by trying to apply that same sense of discipline to the much scarier stuff: keeping to my agreement with myself not to contact her, not to prove a point, but to learn to be a person who can better handle that in general.
• I appreciate that I can get caught up in work, and even enjoy myself, and often find the things I get most caught up in are the things that people end up appreciating most as well. I'll end up working way late and not mind, and that's double appreciation.
• I can improve on this one in two ways:
• I can actually try to keep myself from working too late, and spread that joy in work around, but try to keep it from being a forced ending, or something that will make me feel like I lost a "flow"
• I can try to apply the same mentality to the things I don't immediately recognize as enjoyable, or that leave me with some trepidation at starting.

And on to the next one!

Today's record: Rock Action by Mogwai

Songs for This Day

"Breath" - Pere Ubu

"Don't let's talk about tomorrow, baby standin' at the edge of sorrow..." 

"The Gold We're Digging" - Parts & Labor

"Will you hold whatever hands will have you? Will you be what's needed year to year?"

"Let Go" - Intimate Strangers

"So when you lose control next time: let go. Let go! Let the spirit world inside protect you."

"Looking for Someone" - Genesis

"Keep on a striaght line, I don't believe I can. Trying to find a needle in a haystack, chilly wind, you're piercing like a dagger it hurts me so -- Yeah!" 

Monday:

"2 Rights Make 1 Wrong" - Mogwai

Tuesday:

"Meet Me in the City" - The Black Keys

Wednesday:

"The Ice of Boston" - The Dismemberment Plan

Mindfulness Day 1½

Hi.

I'm writing this because I've decided to start some mindfulness work in my life, and I am compelled to write things, so I wanted to put the two together.

I'm more public/visible/whatever about my thoughts normally, but I want to let this float in the ether for a time, so it's going to be "unadvertised" for the moment.

Today--I'm using the Calm app for guided meditation--I went through my two sessions (I've got a lot of anxiety...) and it came to two concepts: the mind-body connection, and "noting".

I spent a lot of time avoiding meditation, not because I thought it was spiritual hokum, but because I thought it would never work for me due to my constantly-spinning brain. Anyone who knows the practice is probably doing something along the lines of smiling and shaking their heads--I'm literally who the stuff is best or most important for, right?

Well, I've taken a class here and there (especially at work), and I actually even sincerely thought about taking up the practice, but I didn't put the discipline in to do it, so I never did.

A recent breakup sort of made me think about the parts of my life that are such a struggle for me, and all the work I've done in my life to get to where I am already, and I considered that maybe this was the right path.

So I did a few sessions yesterday first (~10-15m apiece, guided, one for general calm, one for calming anxiety--two seven day paths I'm going on to start with) and I was a lot calmer for quite a while. Like...even the previous sessions I'd done hadn't had quite that effect, and it's been a long time since those.

I decided I'd start following it with a "personal meditation" of throwing on a record in the bedroom I decided to reserve for this--practicing staying with a whole record seems like a pretty good way to work on focusing attention, so I bought a few extra bits of gear to get set up yesterday after that first session, because it was "walking out" of there that I had this notion of a record being a very "me" way to practice alongside the guided stuff.

So today I started on my new practice (confused and limited though it may be in coming days, I'm at least holding myself to the parts I can definitely manage). The mind-body connection was something I'd certainly already been aware of, in the sense that I know how tense I get when anxious, and I often work to relax it. But the idea--especially merging with that parallel stream of "noting"--of not holding it against myself was at least semi-novel. The guided reminders not to judge my practice were nice, and they were good reminders, but the best thing about them is they were one of those assurances that I've had myself on a good path in general, but have needed some help.

So I added in something else I'd been contemplating--picking up Lazerbeak's mindfulness journal I've had hanging around to take seriously (the crystals? Not so much. Crystals are neat and all, but, nope--too far) and I wrote into it a sort of collapse of ideas and advice: my therapist wants me to try positive mantras, so I wrote one in there. And then I wrote the numbers for what he suggested when he wrote an intro to the thing before sending it to me: three things I'm grateful for every day.

So my mantra today is: "It's okay if she doesn't want all of me. I still have value--even to her."

That may seem somewhat self-defeating or something, but the greatest struggles I have relate to believing I have value to others, and something like removing a romantic relationship definitely sets off my anxieties and fears in the extreme about what value I could possibly have. So using that anchor of that specific person is helpful to focus the idea: to say, "Yep, even to the person you least suspect, you can have value. Even without a romantic partnership."

It still turned out a little odd--I'm sort of stuck on the fact that I'm still willing to offer all of myself, feel like that might actually be of value, and I can't quite put my finger on why the idea felt like something to remind myself of. It was almost like it was what I thought I was supposed to think, I guess? But probably not--so, continuing onward with it!

I actually didn't mean to write this much, but I guess I'm introducing myself to all of this, and to my hypothetical reader (who presumably doesn't exist) so it's all good.

I want to use this space to use another daily "three-list": the things I appreciate about myself. I think it's more to practice being open about it than it is to practice thinking it--eight years of general solitude means losing your mind or finding it, and I felt like I found mine, but affirming that to others (however hypothetical and presumably non-existent!) is what's new/difficult still. So here we go:

• The way that I am open to new experiences, and open to my inexpert practice (at least by myself!). I didn't feel like I "can't" meditate, or that I would fail at it, and accepted that I was only going to be as good as I am right now--and that it's a practice and work, and it's going to take time

• How I can improve this is recognizing that even the "doing it wrong" bits aren't permanent--judging myself for tension and anxiety or thinking I'm failing to focus on my breathing aren't signs that I'm setting off on the wrong path, they're just stops or speedbumps along the right one.

• The desire to appreciate the things around me--especially exhibited in the decision to find my own way to focus and meditate, not as a replacement that might let me deny the parts I need help with, but as an indicator of having been open to the idea, and how I'm making it my own.
• How I can improve this is...working more on my focus =) I was drifting a lot, but working on bringing myself back kindly.
• The willingness to forgive myself for smaller "transgressions". This is not something new, but things I appreciate don't have to be (neither of the above is new, really!). When I decided 2 sides into the record that I wanted to move furniture around my newly-christened "meditation/quiet room", I had some moments of frustration that I was failing to focus, then decided it was okay, and it didn't mean I was going to refuse to focus forever, and maybe this would help me feel comfortable long term, rather than indicating I'd want to move everything around every time.
• How I can improve this is recognizing these "transgressions" as acceptable more quickly and more openly. I don't need to not get up and move around: I put my time in with the guided sessions, and this is my time for my form of focus. If I focus on something different, I'm still focused.

Until tomorrow, my friends!

Today's record: Expert Knob Twiddlers by Mike & Rich